Anxiety, fear, insecurity, obedience

Lord, I'm off centre.

Somehow in the last few days, I've slipped and fallen down. My disciplines around certain things have completely vanished, my heart is anxious and fearful and I'm feeling insecure.

How did this happen?

It usually has to do with an improper balance between my physical and emotional world. Either pushing too hard physically at something or not getting enough rest. Often it's an attack from the enemy. Other times it's a burden that I feel I need to carry and own. It could have something to do with the pressures around this busy season of Christmas too. I've let things go too late and now I'm panicking. It's probably all of these in one big package.

But I know that it has something to do with my children.

I am particulary burdened for them all lately. The "clucky hen" in me wishes they were all here with me now, close, safe, where I can see them, feel them, know that they are ok. But one is in Nova Scotia, another in a city a few hours away, probably travelling home before a big storm comes, and another in Germany, about to set off in two weeks for a mission experience.

There is anxiety and concern in my heart for all of them. For their futures, for them, for their families. When I'm in this state, my "normal" gets shifted. I'm distracted for awhile, my focus is not sharp. Sometimes it's just a complete lack of trust in You. There are things happening that I can't control and I'm blindsided. I can't seem to find you in the fog.

Help me Lord to get back on track. Help me to extend my hand in the dark night hoping I will touch yours - hoping that you will find me first and pull me back to a level place where my footing is secure again and my steps are certain.

Reach down and put your hand under my chin and raise my head so I once again can see your face. Come close and let our eyes meet. I need you to tell me how much you love me by the look in your eyes.

This morning, (again another early morning that You have pulled me out of bed), I hear you telling me to be vulnerable and share my heart in this blog. Ok. But I know tomorrow I will want to delete the whole thing. Obedience. Maybe that's the key to getting back on track. Pulling myself out of this temporary mudbath. Obedience.