Friday, August 8, 2008

A most amazing girl - my Sandy

I found out that yesterday, my middle daughter who is visually impaired since birth, had a "blind day".

One of those days that coping with limited sight is just too much. The struggle is too great. There's no more energy to give to "trying to figure out" what it is that you see, or what it is that you can't see.

No more patience when you try to order something from a menu board that you can't even read and the person behind the counter thinks you must be mentally incompetent, because after all, the items are listed on the board above one's head. So they also assume, that you must be illiterate.

There's no more courage to go to a new and completely strange place, attempt to find the door, then attempt to locate and somehow recognize the person you were supposed to meet, let alone asking directions to a particular office, when the sign is just there to your left, three feet away.

No more courage to put yourself out there and engage conversation only to realize all the time you have been talking to the wrong person and furthermore, you've misread cues that they are not remotely interested in what you are saying.

No more self restraint to hold back the tsunami of frustration and tears, that comes with being visually impaired, described by four letter words.

No more hope that maybe someday it will be different. Or, why do I always have to depend on someone? Or, if only I could drive, I could get so much more accomplished. Or, why is it I miss the obvious?

She's almost 25 years old, this amazing daughter of mine. In those 25 years, as her mom, I bet she's had less than 100 "blind days". This in itself, is remarkable and speaks to the amazing and incredible intestinal fortitude that makes up her constitution.

She's my HERO.

I've said that to her over and over again. My hat is off to her. I salute her for her courage and determination to continually overcome and rise above her limitations. I'm the crazy mom in the bleachers yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs as if I were the only one in her cheering section - "You go girl!!...You can do it!!"

So many times I wished it were different for her. So many times I begged and pleaded for God to heal her, right from the time she was an infant. It was hard as a mother to see her struggle. Yet, of my three children, she has always been the first of them to attempt "the daring", "take risks", be involved in activities that pushed her to her visual limitations and beyond.

She's a joy to be around. My "party girl" I call her. She loves people, she loves entertainment, she really loves to dance, she loves learning, she loves close relationships, she loves to laugh and have fun, she loves her family, and she loves her God.

She's a dreamer, an idealist, a positive thinker, an artist. Her tenacious spirit is without doubt, her greatest strength.

She has taught me so much as I've watched her grow up. I've learned life lessons from her that I could not have learned elsewhere. I've mostly learned that I cannot meet her every need and neither am I supposed to. And in those times that she pushed me away for her own self perservation, ... that was the right thing to do. (Thank God she had the strength to do that. ) I sit back now and watch as God shows me how he brings others around to care for her and then he shows me just how strong she is to handle things on her own.

Tomorrow, she will rise again and live as if she has no limitations at all. Way to go my dear.

I bless you Sandy for who you are and who you are becoming through all that you have to overcome. I thank God for making you just the way he did. You are a gift from him and truly the most courageous and amazing individual I know. (Your dad is right up there too!)

(guess I had a bit of a "blind day" myself)

"Deeply Spiritual"

The other day I was with a dear friend who in conversation referred to another woman as a "deeply spiritual woman". It caught my attention and for a moment I was off on a thought about what "deeply spiritual' meant.

Something about it resonated within my soul. Someday, I would love to be known in this way.

And I then thought, well, what does it look like when one is "deeply spiritual"? So here is what immediately came to mind.

One who is described this way would have a relationship with the Lord that would always be growing, whether through circumstances of pain and suffering or joy and celebration. There would be evidence that a deep work is going on within the soul.

They would have peace about them that passes all understanding. A humbleness that speaks of relinquishing the demands of self, allowing others to go before them. A kindness and love that can always "go one more mile for a friend", a reserve of patience and tolerance that could only be given by God himself.

They would have a sense of God's presence in all that they do - forever aware that he is in all and through all.

They would have an accurate understanding of who they are. An acceptance of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities in a way that God can be glorified in them. They would see the beauty and potential in others and encourage it to come forth.

I'm seeking to be a "deeply spiritual" woman.

I long to know my Lord in such a way that I can hear and feel his heart beat because he is so close. I long to hear him whisper in my ear that he loves me. I long to feel his embrace holding and protecting me. I long to laugh at the things that bring him joy and experience his delight. I long to have his thoughts be mine. I long to have his heart, even a portion of it, find its home in mine.

I long to give my life to him.

Deeply spiritual.