Loneliness

I just finished talking with my daughter Sandy who is in Germany now on a missions trip. She's quite homesick and lonely. Mainly because it's Christmas time and she's not with the family to celebrate.

We usually have a fun time being together and this is the first time that she is so far away and unable to be with us.

It's hard for us too.

The "mom" in me would love to go and rescue her and bring her back her for the 5 or 6 days that she is off and then she could go back again to the mission base. Some of the other team members are doing that.

But I can't always be running to "rescue" her. And she knows that. She's just having a lonely moment.

Loneliness is a painful ailment. We were created for fellowship and companionship and to belong to a "body" that is made up of many members.

When we are not with those we love the most and hold dear, there is an ache within our heart. There are so many lonely people in this world. I happen to know some of them and the pain they describe to me is crippling.

I can't solve their problems either. Loneliness can happen for many reasons. Some our own doing, some that happen because of circumstance. Whatever the situation, or cause, those of us who are for the moment strong, need to rally around and embrace them with arms of compassion.

I will be praying that my daughter may find strength in the Lord this holiday season and friendship in the company of other Christian brothers and sisters who will be sensitive to her needs.

Live to Dream - Dream to Live

I love the season of life that I am now in. I can hardly believe how it's changing me. I feel a surge of energy and vitality that I haven't felt in a long time.

This season of "empty nest" is wonderful!

It took about a year and a half for me to figure out what I should do, what I could do, and who I am, or who I wanted to be.

What I love about it so much is the change of responsibility. For such a long time my focus and energy was solely concentrated on my children and my home. As the kids grew older, the responsibility for their primary care, got less and less. Now of course, there are other concerns about them, but the day to day care is not there.

So I am free to develop other interests in my life, increase my understanding of my faith and reach out to build relationships and minister to those God brings along my path.

I love the spontaneity of deciding at the wee hours of the night to be completely irresponsible and sit by the fire cuddled up with my husband, listening to our favourite CD and drinking coffee. We have the freedom to do this every once in awhile . Or the casual drive in the car on a summer day and we end up in the city to watch a movie and decide to stay overnight.

It's moments like these that make life amazing. It's the ability to keep the dream alive, to live life to the fullest with the person you love the most.

I find that I must fight for these moments and embrace them when the time is there or they are lost to the many and urgent demands of just living. The magic and joy of the moment can be stolen from us and before long we survive and cope without even realizing they are missing. We get used to the "hum drum" of living.

There is so much more that we need to dream about, to believe in. Things can be better, there can be a difference in our situations. There can be an "inbreaking" that only God can manoevre and deliver.

The memories we create at this stage in our lives will carry us through the years ahead when tough times come and we forget who we are.

Years ago I came across this quote that lived on my fridge for a very long time - "To love someone, is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they've forgotten."

We need to remind each other who they are, where they've come from, what they've accomplished, and the dreams they once had.

The dreams we have today, have no expiry date - they can keep evolving, changing, growing, but they must never die.

Live to dream - dream to live.

Christmas - A time for Giving

There is something wonderful that happens when we give. It's a smile that comes across our face and a warm feeling deep inside because we've done something nice for someone. Often times it's a sacrificial act given when we ourselves are in pain.

I had an experience last week when I was struggling over the concerns of my grandchildren inheriting my husbands visual impairment. Since one of our daughters is trying to have children of her own, the reality that this condition may be passed on is very real. We are starting the process of seeking out further opinions and genetic counseling.

At one point in particular, I grieved in my spirit for the lives of my grandchildren yet unborn that could have poor sight. I know all too well the pain associated in having a child with a disability and also the struggles that my husband faces because of his lack of vision.

In the midst of all of this, I heard about a close friend that was struggling with some severe physical issues and for some reason, I felt that I should go and minister to this person even though I was hurting myself.

What I realized is that in setting aside my pain, putting it on the back shelf, I was more open to give every part of me and share in my friends pain. The coming along side meant that I wept with her, held her, prayed with her, hugged her and wept some more.

I was in a vulnerable position but was willing to lay this before the Lord and ask Him for a gift of ministry for my friend. He came through and the time together was rich and healing.

In times of complete emptiness and pain, God chooses to demonstrate his great work through us, if we are willing to allow him to do so. I can't help but believe that we then receive grace to carry on with our own struggles.

During the summer God spoke to me about extravagant giving, extravagant loving. It's an attitude of the heart that I continually want to develop more and more in my Christian walk.

At what cost will we continue to keep giving? Keep loving? I believe that love goes all the way - beyond "normal", - "over-the-top". It should be a sacrificial offering of our "best", given in the most humble way. And we need to ignore the "second guessing" of our intentions, that will only get us into trouble and paralyze us next time we feel inclined to give.

It is in giving that miracles happen. It is in giving that lives find new hope and courage to carry on. It is in giving that we invest in lives that will change the future. It is in giving that Christ smiles upon us. It is in giving, that we receive.

Freely we have received, freely we must give.

Let this Christmas be a time that you give out of the abundance of your heart, your life, your possessions.

Anxiety, fear, insecurity, obedience

Lord, I'm off centre.

Somehow in the last few days, I've slipped and fallen down. My disciplines around certain things have completely vanished, my heart is anxious and fearful and I'm feeling insecure.

How did this happen?

It usually has to do with an improper balance between my physical and emotional world. Either pushing too hard physically at something or not getting enough rest. Often it's an attack from the enemy. Other times it's a burden that I feel I need to carry and own. It could have something to do with the pressures around this busy season of Christmas too. I've let things go too late and now I'm panicking. It's probably all of these in one big package.

But I know that it has something to do with my children.

I am particulary burdened for them all lately. The "clucky hen" in me wishes they were all here with me now, close, safe, where I can see them, feel them, know that they are ok. But one is in Nova Scotia, another in a city a few hours away, probably travelling home before a big storm comes, and another in Germany, about to set off in two weeks for a mission experience.

There is anxiety and concern in my heart for all of them. For their futures, for them, for their families. When I'm in this state, my "normal" gets shifted. I'm distracted for awhile, my focus is not sharp. Sometimes it's just a complete lack of trust in You. There are things happening that I can't control and I'm blindsided. I can't seem to find you in the fog.

Help me Lord to get back on track. Help me to extend my hand in the dark night hoping I will touch yours - hoping that you will find me first and pull me back to a level place where my footing is secure again and my steps are certain.

Reach down and put your hand under my chin and raise my head so I once again can see your face. Come close and let our eyes meet. I need you to tell me how much you love me by the look in your eyes.

This morning, (again another early morning that You have pulled me out of bed), I hear you telling me to be vulnerable and share my heart in this blog. Ok. But I know tomorrow I will want to delete the whole thing. Obedience. Maybe that's the key to getting back on track. Pulling myself out of this temporary mudbath. Obedience.

Courage to Dream

I awoke this morning with a sense of your presence nearer to me than usual.

I asked you to help me walk out the dream you have for me.

More than that, I asked You to give me dreams, and expand my mind with possibilities that are limitless.

Help me Lord to be satisfied and content with the present moment, understanding that there is much I need to learn at this point in time, yet reaching and dreaming for it to be different. Let me take small steps of risk that require faith and complete trust in you.

Make me passionate about knowing you in a deeper and more intimate way. Inform my mind, inflame my heart.

Make more space in my heart to receive your love for me and help me to fully understand what it means to be loved by you.

Give me more insight to know how to fight back the voices within me that want to silence the dream you have for me, the voices that remind me that I am not qualified.

Let me find my own voice and give volume to it.

Surround me with friends that will encourage and strengthen me. Friends that I can trust with my dreams. Friends that will graciously move me forward.

On the days when I am weak and feel the whole world is crushing in on me and I can't even raise my eyes to look in your face, be my glory and the "lifter of my head".

Let my dreams keep me pursuing you.

"Sleepless in St. Stephen"

I wasn't able to sleep much last night. This often happens to me, and more regularly of late. Mid-life, menopause, anxiety, too much caffiene, who knows. So in my restless moments, I try to take advantage of the hours and begin praying for my friends.

God gave me some pictures right away and then over time, it became more clear and I believe more accurate. At one point in the wee hours I was able to say, "yes, Lord, this is your heart for my friends...this is what you would have me share with them".

Then after dozing off for what seemed to be a short space of time, (how can one measure time and sleep - you can sleep for hours and feel like it's minutes or sleep for minutes and feel like it's been hours) God shared a beautiful picture with me about our relationship. I nudged my husband and told him I had to get up and blog, to get it written down.

He decided to get up with me, put on some coffee and join me on the second floor landing of our home to watch the sun come up. Our view is even more awesome now since we tore down the dilapitated house of ours next door.

I am discovering a relationship with my Lord in such a new and different way. My paradigm is changing on how I see and know God and how he relates to me. Let me share it with you.

I have discovered him as a friend.

In the picture he put in my thoughts, I am walking down the road beside my Lord. His arm is in mine. We are comfortable. Obviously, enjoying each others company. He turns to me and in a quizzical look, says to me, "Robyn, why are you carrying that heavy basket of items?" I respond, shrugging my shoulders and like a teenager who never seems to know why they are doing anything, say to him, "I don't know...I just want to, I guess."

He offers to take some of my load. He grabs "jealously", "lust", "unforgiveness", and "shame". The load is somewhat lighter and I notice that he doesn't even comment on what is in my basket. This is amazing to me. I want to almost remind him of what I was carrying. Did he not see how sinful the items were that I had? Was he not embarrassed by these things? I at least, expected some chastisement or correction, but it never happened.

We continue walking again for a bit, and then he stops all of a sudden - so naturally, I stop too. Now, I thought, I will get his rebuke. ( Why is this our pattern of default thinking? ) He looks at me again, and shakes his head and says, "Robyn, you are still carrying too much-it's weighing you down for our walk together. Here, give me some more."

So I do. This time I hand over to him, "anger", "hate", "fear", "self-pity". I'm again, embarrassed by what I'm carrying and for how long they've been in my basket. Then all of a sudden, like a good friend would do...he reaches over to me and says, "here, let me just take it all from you, then you will have no burdens at all".

(On a side note ...the sun just burst through the darkness and is a blaze of fire sending shock waves across the shadows of the night. Its' light is streaming out like arms of an octupus giving definition to trees and landscapes and buildings. It's glorious! Another new day to live and laugh and love and experience the new mercies of God. Wow!)

As the basket leaves my arms and settles into his, I feel lighter than I've ever felt before. The strain of the load I was carrying all these years had taken its' toll on me and I bore the injuries and scars of its' burdens. But life and strength was returning to my wounded parts. Energy was flowing through me. And being free, I was now able to use my arms to reach down and pull flowers towards me to smell their life giving fragrance. I could extend my arms in waves of motion and embrace the heat of the sun.

I could hardly believe my friend did this all for me. What good friend would not help the other? And do it without commentary on what that person was carrying? Why have I not trusted him as a friend before?...because... I never saw him as my friend before.

His friendship is such that he would lay down his life for me - and he did just that. Why do I think he cannot handle my sins? Is it pride that keeps me from sharing them with him? After all, he knows my thoughts before I even know them. He is not afraid of what I am carrying and frankly, I don't think he even cares. He just wants to get them out of my hands, take them over, relieve me of the burden, set me free, give me life, partner with me and do it all over again if I manage (and I will) to carry them again!

This concept of Christ as my friend,- my Saviour as my dearest friend, changes how I commune with him. It's much more relational, casual, honest and real. I'm not afraid to tell him anything. My life is laid bare before him. He knows everything there is to know about me. No secrets.

I've been blessed to have good friends and I love them dearly. I would sacrifice and give my life for them, because they mean so much to me. They deposit gifts, treasures and life within me. They call me forth when I want to stay in my safe place too long. And, it's all done in such a gentle and caring way.

Why would I expect anything less from my heavenly father as my friend?

I encourage you to imagine Christ as your dearest and most loving and intimate friend. Explore this new relationship with him and embrace new ways of journeying with him.

My Parents

I just returned home from a visit with my parents who live several hours away.

The visit was good. I was reminded again of God's hand upon my life in giving me the parents he did.

I grew up in a home that practised Christianity. My parents did the very best they could to teach us godly ways and instruct us in the way of Christ. For that I am forever grateful.

There were very few arguments between my parents. As children we enjoyed a "happy home", a stable home.

My father was the breadwinner of the family, very traditional, and my mother was a hairdresser until the day she delivered twins of which I am one. Her hands were full after that, especially because she had two other children before us, and then she had two more after us. One big happy family!

My dad was a hard worker all his life and my mother also and alot of value was placed on the virtue of "working hard".

Our friends growing up were our cousins who lived just a few houses away. We'd spend many days playing all sorts of outdoor games and during the winter, the pond would freeze over and we would ice skate. I learned to skate on that pond pushing a chair in front of me.

As a child, I was always drawing pictures of horses and someday dreamed about having a horse of my own. One day, dad surprised me and gave me a pony! I could hardly believe my dream had come true!

Dad would hitch "Lady" to a small buggy and take us for rides up and down the road. Other times we would ride her bareback. But sad to say, over time, this wonderful pony became ordinary and easily forgotten.

I can remember the large family picnics we would have and the worry and bother my mother would go to make sure there was enough food for everyone. All in all, it was a great time as we headed for the beaches of the St. Lawrence River to spend the whole day and early evening in the sun, swimming and visiting with relatives.

My father bought a snowmobile one year and for several years after, we enjoyed the cold outdoors as we drove all over the countryside. He bought a huge sled to pull behind the ski-doo and I can remember going out on evening rides, all bundled up in the cold crisp air.

My mom and dad love to look at new houses. Even this past weekend, we drove around to new subdivisions near where they live and commented on all the new homes being built. We all had our opinion on what looked good and what didn't.

I get my gift for interior design from my mom. She always had the house looking comfortable and "homey". She has an eye for "nice things".

Generousity came easy to my parents. They both gave generously to their children, church and community.

My dad loves to tease. He gives waitresses a hard time at restaurants with his teasing - all in good fun. He has a great sense of humour.

I have wonderful memories as a child of going in to kiss my mom good night and smelling the perfume she had just put on before going to bed. My mom always presented herself beautifully and her makeup and perfume were a part of that.

This past weekend, I was privileged again to hear my dad read his bible before he went to sleep and see him kneel down and pray for his children and family - a memory that will always remain with me.

In some ways, I am like my dad and in other ways, I am very similar to my mom. I love the parts of me that are like them.

My parents have given me essential building blocks to build a foundation centered on the Lord Jesus Christ, for my marriage and for my family. I have a godly heritage. What I do with what has been entrusted to me is up to me. Where I go, who I become, is all because of their influence and guidance on my life growing up.

My prayer and hope is that I can pass on to my children this desire to serve God in whatever way he has created each of them and that they would seek his counsel, guidance and will for their lives.

And I will petition my heavenly father on their behalf as they seek to do this.