I have safely returned to Canada after being in 4 different African countries in the last 3 weeks.
So much of what I have felt, experienced, and touched will at some time be written in this blog, but it may be awhile in order for it to sift through my thought processes and find words to fit the emotions.
As I push through the jet lag weariness I am still humbled at the measure of grace bestowed to me throughout the entire trip. My God, my friend, my protector, my teacher, has never left my side. He can't leave me, ever, I'm the one that moves away.
Our friendship and journeying together has deepened. We've had many good chats, heart to hearts, tears and moments of intense pain that are secrets we will have until eternity.
I am becoming more and more comfortable and honest with my companion. After all, he created me, knows my thoughts even before I do and still loves me - there is nothing I can hide from him, nothing he doesn't know already, so I can relax and confidently ask him to help me through each and every situation.
I am no longer immobilized by guilt. I am breaking through its grip on me. I am pushing back insecurities and self-doubt and reaching out for his purposes and plan for me.
In time I will be able to share glimpses of this revelation.
For now, it will need to settle, take root and then bring forth fruit.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
My Loved Ones
My husband came home yesterday after being in England two weeks with a dear friend who lead a worship conference.
We sat in the dining room across the table from each other while my oldest daughter Jodi was playing the piano softly in the background.
As often happens when she plays, I am suddenly ushered into this place that my soul remembers. A place of connecting with the spirit residing in me and I am moved emotionally.
She is not aware of this. My husband is not aware of this. He is visually impaired and can't see the tears slowly slip out from my eyes. I look at him and listen carefully, asking questions to keep the conversation going. Still he has no idea I am crying.
There are times I do not want him to know and I cry silently, hiding any other signs that may give my emotional state away.
Then there are times I want him to know, like tonight. So I reach across the table, take his hand and bring his finger to the wet mark on my cheek and he realizes then what's going on.
Other times, I will take the tear from my cheek and touch his lips with it so he can taste my emotions.
Tonight, it was important for me to let him know how I felt. I missed him when he was away. And I was glad he was home. I wanted him to know that.
My husband Paul, is like bookends for me which hold and support me and everything I do. He is my best friend, my lover, my greatest supporter, my provider while I live on this earth. He encourages me to step out and try new things and helps me when I feel I've made the wrong decision.
He is there through every emotional upset I go through...and there have been many. And he never complains...he knows this is just who I am.
He is the father to my three amazing children and I love to see the ways they are simliar in personality to him as they grow older. Each of them has a unique piece of his identity which has already in some ways, determined a path they may choose.
He is the one of the few people I know who has an amazing friendship with God. They enjoy each others company. Laugh together, cry together.
My husband loves to pray.
About 20 years ago, I made him a prayer gown out of heavy polar fleece with a hood to keep his head warm. So many nights, he would put it on and turn the lights off in the living room after the kids had gone to bed and walk back and forth across the floor praying about something on his heart.
When Bill was very young he would go fetch his father's prayer gown and curl up in it on the couch and go off to sleep. We would often place it over him when he was ill. It has become and will always be, a garment with so much meaning and attachment to the children.
Paul often times would tell Bill that he was "his son in whom he was well pleased". Bill grew up knowing he had a blessing from his dad. And he would speak into the girls lives in ways that specifically spoke life into them also.
I'm fondly remembering the "good times" we have had. The difficult times were there too, but somehow, we managed to survive them, grow in understanding from them and focused on the positive.
When I said goodbye to my daughter Sandy at the airport the other day in Halifax, God gave me a gift. He is so gracious to me and knows just what I need to trust Him.
I stepped back from rushing in to "rescue" Sandy and look after her and what I saw was Jodi rising to the occasion, caring for every last detail and preparation to go off to Germany. Jodi is actually the one who encouraged her to venture on this YWAM mission. And then I noticed Bill coming along side her, running at the last minute to get something she forgot, seeing to it that she was all set to go. And I just watched and marveled at God's provision for Sandy.
God seemed to be saying to me that my time of caring for her is really over in a lot of ways. Jodi and Bill are there to make sure she will be ok and she will connect with new friends in Germany that will in their own way, care for her.
I needed to see this. It's all part of God calling me out for himself. He has been telling me to put down the gardening gloves, set the dust cloth aside and come sit at His feet and learn from Him.
"I want you Robyn. I want you to extend your influence beyond your family, into the community and into the world.Come on an adventure with me. Take my hand and I will show you things that will break your heart, enlarge your heart and increase your faith. There is much I wish to show you. Trust me. And in the same way I care for Sandy, I will care for Paul. Trust me."
How can I refuse such an invitation? He, after all, has created this desire within me to follow Him. It only seems natural that I would wholeheartedly respond.
This journey for a short time, means leaving behind those I love and care about the most and going it "on my own". A hard thing to do for someone like me.
But I know it will change me and deepen my relationship with God. It's time to follow Him.
I'm ready to follow Him.
We sat in the dining room across the table from each other while my oldest daughter Jodi was playing the piano softly in the background.
As often happens when she plays, I am suddenly ushered into this place that my soul remembers. A place of connecting with the spirit residing in me and I am moved emotionally.
She is not aware of this. My husband is not aware of this. He is visually impaired and can't see the tears slowly slip out from my eyes. I look at him and listen carefully, asking questions to keep the conversation going. Still he has no idea I am crying.
There are times I do not want him to know and I cry silently, hiding any other signs that may give my emotional state away.
Then there are times I want him to know, like tonight. So I reach across the table, take his hand and bring his finger to the wet mark on my cheek and he realizes then what's going on.
Other times, I will take the tear from my cheek and touch his lips with it so he can taste my emotions.
Tonight, it was important for me to let him know how I felt. I missed him when he was away. And I was glad he was home. I wanted him to know that.
My husband Paul, is like bookends for me which hold and support me and everything I do. He is my best friend, my lover, my greatest supporter, my provider while I live on this earth. He encourages me to step out and try new things and helps me when I feel I've made the wrong decision.
He is there through every emotional upset I go through...and there have been many. And he never complains...he knows this is just who I am.
He is the father to my three amazing children and I love to see the ways they are simliar in personality to him as they grow older. Each of them has a unique piece of his identity which has already in some ways, determined a path they may choose.
He is the one of the few people I know who has an amazing friendship with God. They enjoy each others company. Laugh together, cry together.
My husband loves to pray.
About 20 years ago, I made him a prayer gown out of heavy polar fleece with a hood to keep his head warm. So many nights, he would put it on and turn the lights off in the living room after the kids had gone to bed and walk back and forth across the floor praying about something on his heart.
When Bill was very young he would go fetch his father's prayer gown and curl up in it on the couch and go off to sleep. We would often place it over him when he was ill. It has become and will always be, a garment with so much meaning and attachment to the children.
Paul often times would tell Bill that he was "his son in whom he was well pleased". Bill grew up knowing he had a blessing from his dad. And he would speak into the girls lives in ways that specifically spoke life into them also.
I'm fondly remembering the "good times" we have had. The difficult times were there too, but somehow, we managed to survive them, grow in understanding from them and focused on the positive.
When I said goodbye to my daughter Sandy at the airport the other day in Halifax, God gave me a gift. He is so gracious to me and knows just what I need to trust Him.
I stepped back from rushing in to "rescue" Sandy and look after her and what I saw was Jodi rising to the occasion, caring for every last detail and preparation to go off to Germany. Jodi is actually the one who encouraged her to venture on this YWAM mission. And then I noticed Bill coming along side her, running at the last minute to get something she forgot, seeing to it that she was all set to go. And I just watched and marveled at God's provision for Sandy.
God seemed to be saying to me that my time of caring for her is really over in a lot of ways. Jodi and Bill are there to make sure she will be ok and she will connect with new friends in Germany that will in their own way, care for her.
I needed to see this. It's all part of God calling me out for himself. He has been telling me to put down the gardening gloves, set the dust cloth aside and come sit at His feet and learn from Him.
"I want you Robyn. I want you to extend your influence beyond your family, into the community and into the world.Come on an adventure with me. Take my hand and I will show you things that will break your heart, enlarge your heart and increase your faith. There is much I wish to show you. Trust me. And in the same way I care for Sandy, I will care for Paul. Trust me."
How can I refuse such an invitation? He, after all, has created this desire within me to follow Him. It only seems natural that I would wholeheartedly respond.
This journey for a short time, means leaving behind those I love and care about the most and going it "on my own". A hard thing to do for someone like me.
But I know it will change me and deepen my relationship with God. It's time to follow Him.
I'm ready to follow Him.
The Risk in Being Real
I sometimes struggle as to what I should write in my blog.
There's a certain risk and vulnerability in sharing your heart publicly. Often times, the feelings and emotions pass and I wonder why I shared what I did.
Then there is the pressure of accountability. Once you bear your soul and it's desires, someone can hold you to what you've said you'd like to do or be. Perhaps thats not so bad after all, a part of growth it seems.
However, as I am open to being transformed bit by bit by God's gentle way with me, I am less judgemental on myself. Too often I have said something or done something only to be sabotaged by own thoughts passing harsh criticism on me.
How silly it seems that the most wounding comes from within our selves.
God never meant us to be like that. His plan for us was to reflect His image and His glory.
I am gaining ground on this battlefield and changing my thought patterns and walking away from second guessing everything I do. I never win at that game. It's destructive and sinful. What I am experiencing instead, is freedom, real freedom to be who God created me to be.
I'm all through with wishing I were "this" or "that" . I will seek to improve myself in every area I possibly can, but there are some things that are "just me" and I've come to terms with "me".
Saying all of that, I still have my moments when I slip into puddles of insecurity and self-condemnation, but rather than stay there and become stagnant, I choose to pull myself out, to keep on keeping on.
There is a call on my life as there is for every creature on the face of this earth and more than ever I want to live out this call passionately.
This includes becoming a better wife to my husband. Learning to know him better, seeking to understand him more, caring and loving him more deeply. As good as it is (and it's pretty good!) I believe it can get better and richer and that's what I want to be passionate about.
I also want to be passionate about investing in others.
The image that comes to my mind is that of a child on a tricycle unable to manoevre the pedals to move forward. Just a gentle shove from behind is all that is needed to give enough momentum for them to take off and then look at them go! Sometimes, they are not even aware that anyone has pushed them, they really believe they've done it themselves. I would love to be the one that pushes people forward.
Perhaps I am being naive about what it takes to become this child of God. I am probably not aware of the cost, the risk, the sacrifice, not only for me, but my close loved ones. But I may never have this window of opportunity again and with all my heart I want to serve my Lord.
My prayer is that I may be fit for the task, worthy of the calling, a vessel of honour, an image bearer of His glory. A child of His that brings Him delight.
Lord, let it be so.
There's a certain risk and vulnerability in sharing your heart publicly. Often times, the feelings and emotions pass and I wonder why I shared what I did.
Then there is the pressure of accountability. Once you bear your soul and it's desires, someone can hold you to what you've said you'd like to do or be. Perhaps thats not so bad after all, a part of growth it seems.
However, as I am open to being transformed bit by bit by God's gentle way with me, I am less judgemental on myself. Too often I have said something or done something only to be sabotaged by own thoughts passing harsh criticism on me.
How silly it seems that the most wounding comes from within our selves.
God never meant us to be like that. His plan for us was to reflect His image and His glory.
I am gaining ground on this battlefield and changing my thought patterns and walking away from second guessing everything I do. I never win at that game. It's destructive and sinful. What I am experiencing instead, is freedom, real freedom to be who God created me to be.
I'm all through with wishing I were "this" or "that" . I will seek to improve myself in every area I possibly can, but there are some things that are "just me" and I've come to terms with "me".
Saying all of that, I still have my moments when I slip into puddles of insecurity and self-condemnation, but rather than stay there and become stagnant, I choose to pull myself out, to keep on keeping on.
There is a call on my life as there is for every creature on the face of this earth and more than ever I want to live out this call passionately.
This includes becoming a better wife to my husband. Learning to know him better, seeking to understand him more, caring and loving him more deeply. As good as it is (and it's pretty good!) I believe it can get better and richer and that's what I want to be passionate about.
I also want to be passionate about investing in others.
The image that comes to my mind is that of a child on a tricycle unable to manoevre the pedals to move forward. Just a gentle shove from behind is all that is needed to give enough momentum for them to take off and then look at them go! Sometimes, they are not even aware that anyone has pushed them, they really believe they've done it themselves. I would love to be the one that pushes people forward.
Perhaps I am being naive about what it takes to become this child of God. I am probably not aware of the cost, the risk, the sacrifice, not only for me, but my close loved ones. But I may never have this window of opportunity again and with all my heart I want to serve my Lord.
My prayer is that I may be fit for the task, worthy of the calling, a vessel of honour, an image bearer of His glory. A child of His that brings Him delight.
Lord, let it be so.
Friday, September 21, 2007
My Journey
I'm on a journey which I believe will last for a very long time, perhaps the rest of my life. It's called "growth".
It will take me to places I've never been before. There will be people that I will meet for the first time ever that will influence me in ways that may change my life. There will be experiences that will shape my opinions, thoughts about life and what I do next.
This journey is mainly spiritual, although I am actually journeying to countries that I have never visited before and I am looking forward to this experience.
Part of this journey involves God gently calling me out of my safe place. It's where I usually hide when I feel insecure. It's a place where people won't notice if I make a mistake, say the wrong thing, do the "stupid" thing!
I don't very often seek the spotlight. I rather prefer to be in places where I am somewhat unnoticed. Again, a comfortable place to hide. God actually lives in this safe place with me. He is just asking me to "relocate" - to find a "bigger" place that we can live in together. I'm ok with that.
I feel this invitation to join His hand and go on an adventure with Him. And He knows just how to call me out of course - He knows what I will respond to, because He created me and it will be different from the way He calls others.
I think God wants others to see my heart, to see the giftings he has placed within me. A bit frightening sometimes and yet freeing at other times.
A quite confidence comes from being vulnerable. I'm more willing to trust that He has an eternal purpose in all of this. This is growth for me.
This fall will be a huge transition for me and my family. I am going to Mozambique in less than two weeks, my husband is presently in England with a great friend at a worship conference, and my daughter is leaving next weekend for a YWAM course for six months in Germany.
Besides all of that, I am studying at St. Stephen's University this semester, taking two courses in the ministry program.
Also, I am on this intense weight loss and work out program, mainly to be in good physical shape when I go to Mozambique.
In every area of my life I am being stretched.
Spiritually, I am coming into more freedom in Christ and at the same time, He is calling me to trust Him in a way I've never had to before. Physically, I am disciplining the body beyond its comfort, mentally I am trying to study again after 32 years out of school and emotionally, I am saying goodbye to my daughter Sandy, which may be hardest thing of all.
I am reminded of a white water rafting trip I took this summer with my family and a few other friends. My friend and I were hurled out of the raft in class five rapids, at the most dangerous part of the entire trip. This came immediately after I agreed to staying in the raft with the team (despite my fears).
The rapids swirled around me and submerged me several times. I tried as hard as I could to swim across them to the shore. At one point I realized I was not going to be able to make it to shore because the force of the river was pushing me down stream faster than I could swim across the rapids. I was in a crisis.
Fear did at one point consume me and I hollered out for help. As I turned my head, I realized another raft had anchored themselves in the middle of the river to rescue me as I was recklessly being pushed downstream.
Those in the second raft grabbed me and hauled me over the side of their raft. I was breathless for several moments my heart was pounding so fast. Surprisingly, there was no emotion on my part (probably because I was in shock!).
Obviously, I survived, my friend survived and I probably will never do white water rafting again, even though that was the second time I have gone.
But the picture has come back to my mind many times and I believe God will use it to speak to me about this journey I am on. There will be times that I will feel I am barely keeping my head above the water, my heart is racing and my strength is gone, yet I will be ok....God is there positioning himself in the midst of the crisis and has his arms outstretched ready to receive me and save me. I know that for sure.
He is my strength and my deliverer. My God in whom I trust.
My shoes are laced up, my bags are packed. I'm on my way travelling with an amazing companion and friend. He has much to teach me.
I'll let you know how the journey is going. I am sure I will never be the same!
It will take me to places I've never been before. There will be people that I will meet for the first time ever that will influence me in ways that may change my life. There will be experiences that will shape my opinions, thoughts about life and what I do next.
This journey is mainly spiritual, although I am actually journeying to countries that I have never visited before and I am looking forward to this experience.
Part of this journey involves God gently calling me out of my safe place. It's where I usually hide when I feel insecure. It's a place where people won't notice if I make a mistake, say the wrong thing, do the "stupid" thing!
I don't very often seek the spotlight. I rather prefer to be in places where I am somewhat unnoticed. Again, a comfortable place to hide. God actually lives in this safe place with me. He is just asking me to "relocate" - to find a "bigger" place that we can live in together. I'm ok with that.
I feel this invitation to join His hand and go on an adventure with Him. And He knows just how to call me out of course - He knows what I will respond to, because He created me and it will be different from the way He calls others.
I think God wants others to see my heart, to see the giftings he has placed within me. A bit frightening sometimes and yet freeing at other times.
A quite confidence comes from being vulnerable. I'm more willing to trust that He has an eternal purpose in all of this. This is growth for me.
This fall will be a huge transition for me and my family. I am going to Mozambique in less than two weeks, my husband is presently in England with a great friend at a worship conference, and my daughter is leaving next weekend for a YWAM course for six months in Germany.
Besides all of that, I am studying at St. Stephen's University this semester, taking two courses in the ministry program.
Also, I am on this intense weight loss and work out program, mainly to be in good physical shape when I go to Mozambique.
In every area of my life I am being stretched.
Spiritually, I am coming into more freedom in Christ and at the same time, He is calling me to trust Him in a way I've never had to before. Physically, I am disciplining the body beyond its comfort, mentally I am trying to study again after 32 years out of school and emotionally, I am saying goodbye to my daughter Sandy, which may be hardest thing of all.
I am reminded of a white water rafting trip I took this summer with my family and a few other friends. My friend and I were hurled out of the raft in class five rapids, at the most dangerous part of the entire trip. This came immediately after I agreed to staying in the raft with the team (despite my fears).
The rapids swirled around me and submerged me several times. I tried as hard as I could to swim across them to the shore. At one point I realized I was not going to be able to make it to shore because the force of the river was pushing me down stream faster than I could swim across the rapids. I was in a crisis.
Fear did at one point consume me and I hollered out for help. As I turned my head, I realized another raft had anchored themselves in the middle of the river to rescue me as I was recklessly being pushed downstream.
Those in the second raft grabbed me and hauled me over the side of their raft. I was breathless for several moments my heart was pounding so fast. Surprisingly, there was no emotion on my part (probably because I was in shock!).
Obviously, I survived, my friend survived and I probably will never do white water rafting again, even though that was the second time I have gone.
But the picture has come back to my mind many times and I believe God will use it to speak to me about this journey I am on. There will be times that I will feel I am barely keeping my head above the water, my heart is racing and my strength is gone, yet I will be ok....God is there positioning himself in the midst of the crisis and has his arms outstretched ready to receive me and save me. I know that for sure.
He is my strength and my deliverer. My God in whom I trust.
My shoes are laced up, my bags are packed. I'm on my way travelling with an amazing companion and friend. He has much to teach me.
I'll let you know how the journey is going. I am sure I will never be the same!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I LOVE THIS SEASON!
We are heading into my favourite season of the year - fall.
It excites me so much when I step outside and the crisp air brushes against my face - I think of it as God "kissing" me!
My husband Paul would often remind me that God made the windly fall days especially for me, out of His love for me. I love movement in nature, the branches of trees bending in the wind and the whirlwind of leaves rustling around my feet.
I love the smells of the this season too. There is a "woodsy" smell as the leaves and small branches begin to decay and disappear under foot. And the smell of wood burning in stoves as we walk past our neighbours home makes me wish for a few moments we heated our home that way again.
When I check the temperature every morning and notice that it's starting to get in the lower numbers, I actually get excited because it means "sweater season" is almost here. I love to wear sweaters, cardigans, hoodies, anything warm and cozy. The "bundling up" of extra clothing gives me a sense of being hugged.
Sitting beside a warm fire with a hot cup of coffee and reading a book or visiting with a friend, are some of my favourite things that I enjoy most.
The most obvious reason I love this season is because of the splendor of colour that bursts forth mid October covering the countryside like a patchwork quilt of random hues of oranges, reds and yellows. The last explosion of life before the cold takes the leaves away. God's design for beauty is evident everywhere I look.
I have wonderful memories of this season too.All three of my children were born in the fall, my birthday is in the fall and I was married in mid November.
The routine of the fall is something I also enjoy. When we lived in Halifax in the southend of the city, we were close to the universities and the first of of September there would be a "buzz" happening as the students desended on the campus grounds, ready to begin a new year of study.
The fervour of activity and "starting" of something new excites me. I become energized and spontaneous and take on a multitude of tasks.
The "nesting" is what I love about the fall. It's all about creating and preparing that safe place inside where friends and family can gather and be warmed and loved. The season creates intimacy in a way - a gathering together to be close, a form of community within our homes.
Welcome this fall with a sense of awe and wonder and celebrate the gift of relationship with those you love and care for.
It excites me so much when I step outside and the crisp air brushes against my face - I think of it as God "kissing" me!
My husband Paul would often remind me that God made the windly fall days especially for me, out of His love for me. I love movement in nature, the branches of trees bending in the wind and the whirlwind of leaves rustling around my feet.
I love the smells of the this season too. There is a "woodsy" smell as the leaves and small branches begin to decay and disappear under foot. And the smell of wood burning in stoves as we walk past our neighbours home makes me wish for a few moments we heated our home that way again.
When I check the temperature every morning and notice that it's starting to get in the lower numbers, I actually get excited because it means "sweater season" is almost here. I love to wear sweaters, cardigans, hoodies, anything warm and cozy. The "bundling up" of extra clothing gives me a sense of being hugged.
Sitting beside a warm fire with a hot cup of coffee and reading a book or visiting with a friend, are some of my favourite things that I enjoy most.
The most obvious reason I love this season is because of the splendor of colour that bursts forth mid October covering the countryside like a patchwork quilt of random hues of oranges, reds and yellows. The last explosion of life before the cold takes the leaves away. God's design for beauty is evident everywhere I look.
I have wonderful memories of this season too.All three of my children were born in the fall, my birthday is in the fall and I was married in mid November.
The routine of the fall is something I also enjoy. When we lived in Halifax in the southend of the city, we were close to the universities and the first of of September there would be a "buzz" happening as the students desended on the campus grounds, ready to begin a new year of study.
The fervour of activity and "starting" of something new excites me. I become energized and spontaneous and take on a multitude of tasks.
The "nesting" is what I love about the fall. It's all about creating and preparing that safe place inside where friends and family can gather and be warmed and loved. The season creates intimacy in a way - a gathering together to be close, a form of community within our homes.
Welcome this fall with a sense of awe and wonder and celebrate the gift of relationship with those you love and care for.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Letting Go
Today I sat with a woman that I had never met before and within a few minutes she let me hear her heart speak.
She shared with me the difficulty in saying goodbye to her youngest daughter who was staying in the community to attend university. As her deepfelt emotions exposed themselves by tears falling down her cheeks, I felt moved within my own heart.
I have gone through a similar experience with all three of my children, saying good-bye to them as they go off to university, head out west to a land of great opportunity or to head to New Zealand to attend a YWAM mission team.
Nothing quite prepares you for those moments. As a mom, and strong nurturing type, the apron strings were tied tightly to my kids. After so many years of caring and watching out for them, how could I ever live my life not having them around?
Yet it's an essential part of growing up for them and for those of us as parents too.
It's like watching them cross the street by themselves and choose not to use the crosswalk, but dart in and out of cars speeding by to make it to the other side. For a few years, kids really do think they are invincible.
The sadness I felt from my new friend was like precious ointment being spilled out. It spoke of the extravagent love a mother and daughter had for each other. The tears seemed to spill out of a reservoir very deep within.
There were obvious hurts and pain in the past. This "departing" seemed to be so painful.
It made me think of good friends that move away from each other.
Someone new would have to come along and try to fill the gap. How does a mom "fill the gap"? I don't know.
All I could do is reassure this mom that I would look out for her daughter, keep an eye on her, like she would herself. That promise seemed to stop the tears momentarily.
I find myself in a similar place this month as I say goodbye to my middle child, my second daughter, who is heading off to YWAM in Germany for six months. She will be gone over Christmas which will be very difficult for us all.
We have never been apart from each other for that length of time before. The longest was 2 months. I know that I have pushed the event deep down in my subconscious in order not to deal with it until the time comes. But I am fearful of saying goodbye to her.
I'm afraid of the pain that I will feel. It will be intense. It will render me emotionally bankrupt for several days. I will have trouble sleeping at nights and my mind will be conjuring up scenarios that will never happen.
I will forget the God of my youth, the One I trusted in so solidly. I may in fact react with anger towards Him for "taking her away". My thoughts will be scattered and inaccurate. I will find no solace in scripture. My husbands consoling words will mean nothing when he speaks them.
Yet, in time, I will yield to the patient bidding of his spirit and will trust in Him again. I will believe the words He spoke to me in the wee hours of the morning as I was coming out of a deep sleep, "she is MINE, and I WILL CARE FOR HER".
The message was clear as a bell, there was no denying that God had spoken clearly to me. So I will trust this God whom I've committed my life to and I will believe that He will protect and care for her.
How could I ever hold her back from experiencing all God has for her? She has chosen a path that will deepen and strengthen her walk with the Lord.
Letting go is life giving.
She shared with me the difficulty in saying goodbye to her youngest daughter who was staying in the community to attend university. As her deepfelt emotions exposed themselves by tears falling down her cheeks, I felt moved within my own heart.
I have gone through a similar experience with all three of my children, saying good-bye to them as they go off to university, head out west to a land of great opportunity or to head to New Zealand to attend a YWAM mission team.
Nothing quite prepares you for those moments. As a mom, and strong nurturing type, the apron strings were tied tightly to my kids. After so many years of caring and watching out for them, how could I ever live my life not having them around?
Yet it's an essential part of growing up for them and for those of us as parents too.
It's like watching them cross the street by themselves and choose not to use the crosswalk, but dart in and out of cars speeding by to make it to the other side. For a few years, kids really do think they are invincible.
The sadness I felt from my new friend was like precious ointment being spilled out. It spoke of the extravagent love a mother and daughter had for each other. The tears seemed to spill out of a reservoir very deep within.
There were obvious hurts and pain in the past. This "departing" seemed to be so painful.
It made me think of good friends that move away from each other.
Someone new would have to come along and try to fill the gap. How does a mom "fill the gap"? I don't know.
All I could do is reassure this mom that I would look out for her daughter, keep an eye on her, like she would herself. That promise seemed to stop the tears momentarily.
I find myself in a similar place this month as I say goodbye to my middle child, my second daughter, who is heading off to YWAM in Germany for six months. She will be gone over Christmas which will be very difficult for us all.
We have never been apart from each other for that length of time before. The longest was 2 months. I know that I have pushed the event deep down in my subconscious in order not to deal with it until the time comes. But I am fearful of saying goodbye to her.
I'm afraid of the pain that I will feel. It will be intense. It will render me emotionally bankrupt for several days. I will have trouble sleeping at nights and my mind will be conjuring up scenarios that will never happen.
I will forget the God of my youth, the One I trusted in so solidly. I may in fact react with anger towards Him for "taking her away". My thoughts will be scattered and inaccurate. I will find no solace in scripture. My husbands consoling words will mean nothing when he speaks them.
Yet, in time, I will yield to the patient bidding of his spirit and will trust in Him again. I will believe the words He spoke to me in the wee hours of the morning as I was coming out of a deep sleep, "she is MINE, and I WILL CARE FOR HER".
The message was clear as a bell, there was no denying that God had spoken clearly to me. So I will trust this God whom I've committed my life to and I will believe that He will protect and care for her.
How could I ever hold her back from experiencing all God has for her? She has chosen a path that will deepen and strengthen her walk with the Lord.
Letting go is life giving.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Unique identities
Each of us has a unique signature of the soul. A fingerprint identity like no one else on earth.
Sadly though, we try so hard to be like someone other than who God created and fashioned us to be.
There is peace when we "settle" into our specific element and do the thing God has called us to do. It is ever evolving, changing, growing, and alive. It need not suffer from the criticisms of others or the intimidation of our thoughts.
Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to believe in us, challenge us or move us.
Our impossible expectatons come from within, not from God. They are born out of insecurity. When we can fully grasp his love for us, we become secure, difficult to offend, less quick to react in defense of our position.
The pace he expects us to move at is far slower than we would ever set to "get things done, to change". There are lessons we need to learn along the way that will develop our character and challenge our belief in God.
Confidence comes when we have courage to take the first step, and then it comes faster each step after that. We begin to believe in ourselves and that what we do does in fact matter. It is significant.
As I have reached the middle years of my life, I am more aware of time passing by. If I intend to be effective and influential in any way at all, I must be more intentional about doing the "thing" God has called me to do. Realizing that could be many different things, I still desire to push ahead, feeling my way around, while at the same time, asking God for confirmation.
It may not be anything "big" or "monumental". It may in fact be making myself more available to others who are hurting, extending my ear, listening with the heart. It may be that I walk into more relationships with an attitude of "giving" more than I think I have to give.
Perhaps it's pursuing my design giftings in a more deliberate way to my community. Whatever it is that God dreams that I would do, I am on my way.
Imagine God dreaming about us!
Sadly though, we try so hard to be like someone other than who God created and fashioned us to be.
There is peace when we "settle" into our specific element and do the thing God has called us to do. It is ever evolving, changing, growing, and alive. It need not suffer from the criticisms of others or the intimidation of our thoughts.
Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to believe in us, challenge us or move us.
Our impossible expectatons come from within, not from God. They are born out of insecurity. When we can fully grasp his love for us, we become secure, difficult to offend, less quick to react in defense of our position.
The pace he expects us to move at is far slower than we would ever set to "get things done, to change". There are lessons we need to learn along the way that will develop our character and challenge our belief in God.
Confidence comes when we have courage to take the first step, and then it comes faster each step after that. We begin to believe in ourselves and that what we do does in fact matter. It is significant.
As I have reached the middle years of my life, I am more aware of time passing by. If I intend to be effective and influential in any way at all, I must be more intentional about doing the "thing" God has called me to do. Realizing that could be many different things, I still desire to push ahead, feeling my way around, while at the same time, asking God for confirmation.
It may not be anything "big" or "monumental". It may in fact be making myself more available to others who are hurting, extending my ear, listening with the heart. It may be that I walk into more relationships with an attitude of "giving" more than I think I have to give.
Perhaps it's pursuing my design giftings in a more deliberate way to my community. Whatever it is that God dreams that I would do, I am on my way.
Imagine God dreaming about us!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)