Robyn's Musings

My Anticipatory Grief

2011-03-06T17:19:00.018-04:00

Anticipatory Grief - that's the name given to this state of "pre-loss" before the "actual loss". It can happen months or years before the loss and is in effect a prelude to the painful grieving process. It comes when either ourselves or our loved ones are facing a terminal illness. It is a different grief process than the one experienced after a loss. I am reading a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler on "Grief and Grieving" which is giving me understanding for what I am going through.

Knowing the inevitable is close; seeing a loved one slowly succumb to the ravishes of disease is a painful experience.

My mother at this present time, is laying in a hospital bed a thousand miles away living and breathing her last final days. She is aware that she is dying I believe, but never talks about it. Today, in a moment of lucidity though, she prayed a few beautiful sentences with my sister - praying for her care, for her family.

She is 81 years old. She gave birth to six children, including a set a twins, of which I am one. Her name is Willow Joyce Docksteader. I have her name "Joy" in my name. Never before has that meant so much to me as now. I will carry her name respectfully and honourably forever. It will remind me often of her.

At the age of 5, mom's father suddenly died and her mother and two other siblings were suddenly faced with life without a dad and husband. They ended up moving in with grandparents for a time, for support and to make ends meet.

My mother became a hairdresser and up until the actual day my brother and I were born, she ran a hairdressing salon in the back room of our house. With six children under feet, she worked hard preparing meals, doing laundry and all the other necessary things needed in raising us. She always overextended herself physically and was relatively healthy till the last twenty years of her life. She honoured and respected my father and her role as a wife is probably the greatest gift she has passed on to me. She deeply loved my father. Mom always looked good. Always. She took great care in her appearance and dressed stylishly and always said she wanted to look good for dad. ;)

My interior design giftings come from my mom too. We always lived in a clean and beautiful home. Her taste for artful decor and warm furnishings were comfortable and peaceful. Mom's ability to create a peaceful environment has served me well as I long to do the same for my husband and family.

Her insecurities could not be hidden and fear sometimes robbed her of peace, yet her ability to attempt some adventures in her life will fondly be remembered - as recently as last summer when my brother took her for a ride on the lake in his sea-doo. She was up for it. I also remember mom wrestling on the floor with my two brothers when they were 10 or 11 years of age - now that brought a lot of laughs to the family! She skated in the winter, loved to swim in the summer, even drove a school bus part time for my dad. She lived a full life.

My last visit to see her was three weeks ago at the hospital. Her bruised, swollen body barely resembles the mom I fondly remember. Yet, when she looked at me I could still see the spark in her eyes, faintly, but still there. My mom has beautiful eyes. At one point, after I shared a heart concern with her, she grabbed my arm and stroked it and said "I'm so sorry Robbie... I'm so sorry." And tears began to slip from her weary eyes and for a moment we were connected - and this gift of her last "motherly" act towards me will always be treasured within my heart.

My mom affectionately calls me "Robbie" which endears me to her.

This feeling of knowing I am going to lose her is frightening. I'm 54 years old and I still need my mother. I still want her to be around - to be "there". I still want to hear "I love you dear" as the last words of every phone conversation. I still want to get birthday and Christmas cards from her. She took extreme care in selecting just the most perfect cards and I appreciated her gift of love with each one of them. I realized the written word is very important to me for affirmation and I think this has come because of how mom expressed her love to us in this way. This past fall was the first time I did not receive a birthday card from her in over 50 years. I knew she was really ill. Mom would never forget birthdays.

I cannot make light of the process I am going through at the moment. Many people experience incredible grief in losing a parent and we all process differently. I choose to process through writing. This is my story of my mother, a beautiful woman who loved me the best she could given her own brokenness in her own story. I am a part of her and she is a part of me. Her strengths, passions, loves and weaknesses are all woven within me. Her fear and intimidation, her kindness and generosity are alive and well in the very depths of my soul. Her love for Christ and her desire to serve Him well are the cornerstones of my theology.

Her strength and ability to endure suffering has set before me an example that is hard to match or exceed - she "endured the cross well". Her incredible lack of complaining and her unbelievable threshold to live with pain speak of a fortitude and character that is rarely seen. I not only love my mother, I admire her.

As the essence of who she is slowly slips away more each day, I find my anticipatory grief looming bigger and bigger before my eyes. My emotions are ultra sensitive - a thought of her can produce a tear; a prayer can bring a deluge of water to my face. I am distracted by the events about to happen and the planning necessary for the future. I am concerned for the welfare of my sibilings on the front line carrying the load of care day after day and my deepest thoughts are almost always for my dad and his journey through this loss.

As the veil between Heaven and Earth approaches more closely and the final steps my mom takes will be as she dances across to the awaiting embrace of her Heavenly Father, we take hope that we will someday see her again, but for the moment we embrace the reality that her journey is ending and her suffering will soon be over and she will finally enter her time of rest.

There is grace to be found in this grieving process; there is a gift to be unwrapped; there is a healing to take place in the hearts of those that will lose her. Never forgotten, deeply loved, she is. Always carried in the hearts of those who love her the most.

I love you Mom.

Robbie

God is working behind the scenes

2010-11-23T18:21:00.014-04:00

Today I was thinking about the ways in which God intervenes in our lives and how we are completely unaware of it happening.
We go about our usual rhythm of daily life with our agenda handy; pen in hand to tick off all the completed tasks and we marvel at our incredible ability and talent to tackle so much.
We don a big smile at the end of the day thinking it all happened because we made it that way.

What we don't realize and may never ever know, are the prayers spoken on our behalf on bended knee by faithful friends who help to carry our burden.
We don't see the time they set aside to pray for us; we don't hear the words they utter; we don't see the tears they cry as they petition God to deliver and rescue us.
We don't know the sacrifices they have made behind the scenes to encourage us by way of phone calls, letters, emails.
Yet, we reap the rewards and blessing from their faithful prayers.

We are also unaware of the precise arranging of holy moments when we "randomly" bump into someone we haven't seen for a long time on the street corner or, through a coincidental circumstance, we meet someone that changes the course of our lives - forever.
Such incidents are divine interventions.

If I had the ability to see in the spiritual realm, I imagine I could see myriads of angels and Godly beings interspersed among crowds of people in a busy downtown city.
I also imagined angels inhabiting the body of my good friends and ministering to me when I have been in great pain.

God is at work in this world and He is doing it in an invisible realm.

Prayers are being answered, circumstances are being re-arranged, re-ordered, angels are busy ministering and carrying out God's orders and we are the blessed recipients of it all.

Hope Longing

2010-11-07T21:32:00.005-04:00

shattered
fragmented
protruding edges
undressed
uncovered
unguarded
nothing hid
vulnerable

numb
frozen
deep emotions
empty emotions

stagnant sorrows

Hope Longing

Give Me A Dream

2010-09-07T17:38:00.002-03:00

Give me a dream God
I've forgotten all the ones I used to have
they've disappeared

Maybe they've run away
Maybe they're covered up with mounds of debris from life
Maybe they've reached their due date
and have expired

Whatever happened to them (or it)
they cease to exist
they are no more

So...
Here I am
pondering life without a dream
without a definitive call,
without a deep sense of purpose
holding my hands out
open and wide
and asking you to fill them
with a dream
(maybe two dreams)

Maybe I'm actually
living the dream

Weeding, .... again

2010-08-10T16:11:00.003-03:00

Today I find myself outside pulling small weeds from our stone and gravel driveway. This mindless task reminds me of another time three years ago doing a similar thing.

Then, it was pulling weeds out of a cracked and broken sidewalk beside a house used by the local university as a classroom. On my hands and knees, and in the hot sun, I wondered how on earth this task accomplished anything for the eternal kingdom. The weeds were overgrown and obviously neglected and they did nothing to enhance the beauty of the landscape around the premises.

I had time on my side and a great love to make places more beautiful, so I tackled the task. I remember thinking then, it would be a means by which I could serve the academics of the university, never dreaming of course that someday I would be one as well.

But there it was that God spoke to me very clearly and told me to lay down my gardening tools, take off my gardening gloves and come sit at his feet and learn from Him. I chased this first thought out of my head like a lion chases prey. But it entered again and what began as a simple, gentle tug on my heart towards the impossible (as far as I was concerned), I stepped forward with small baby steps of faith and tiny pocketfuls of courage to study about God.

It's been an amazing three years. I 've read some great books (more than ever in my life before); I've written academic papers; I've met the most amazing and most dear lifetime friends and I've travelled to Greece and Turkey.

Now I look back and ask "how did it all happen so fast?". I'm delighted at the accomplishment and lessons learned but I also grieve that it is over. I miss all aspects of it greatly.

So, here I am today, down on all fours, weeding - pulling up things that don't belong where they've grown, (ruining a perfect manicure!) and I'm genuinely hoping for You, Father, to speak to me again.

Help Me Father

2010-08-07T00:13:00.003-03:00

It feels like I take two steps forward and one step
back
It's hard to hang on sometimes
I sense You
then I don't
Yet I know you are there
Your life is tangled up inside mine
You formed me
designed me
even planned me
so here I am
and I wonder what I'm supposed to do in life
I'm getting older now
not many years left
who knows
maybe the purpose I've been searching for all along
has been exactly what I've been doing
God only knows
I'm not even sure why I think
I should be thinking I should do anything more
Why this restlessness deep within
why the big questions
I guess it's because I know
I can be more
and I know I can know you more
and I really, really want that
I really want to love you more,
serve you more and I guess
deep down, I just want to
be more holy - more like you
and less of me
and so,
I'm restless
as I figure out how to do it
how to approach you more closely
when you actually live inside me
so
Father
help me
please
get closer

Today I thirst for Living Water

2010-07-31T09:24:00.004-03:00

I am sitting on the small side of our upper balcony on our house, enjoying a cup of coffee, reading my bible and thankful for such a beautiful place to live and such a beautiful day to to be gifted to me.

I am reading from John 4, the story of Jesus' encounter with the Samaritan woman. Jesus' conversation with this woman captures my heart again. His first words to this stranger come by way of a request. He is asking her for something. It is obvious that this woman draws water from this well frequently and is accustomed to carrying it back to where it is needed. Jesus did not ask her to do something that was out of her realm of ability. This task of drawing water was ordinary. She could do it.

I wondered what God is asking of me that I do regularly. Or, what is it that he might be asking of me that I am gifted at, that I accomplish with little effort but is a core part of who I am. I think God specifically requests of us those elements of our personality that make us unique.

After further discussion regarding protocol between Jews and Samaritans, Jesus speaks to this woman by addressing in a kindly manner her ignorance of whose company she was in. "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who I am, you would ask me, and I would give you living water."

Do I really know the One who is asking me for something? Do I know what He is asking of me? Do I really understand the gift God has for me? Do I know what Living Water means for me?

Further on Jesus says, "... the water I give, takes away thirst altogether and becomes a perpetual spring within, giving eternal life."

Our thirst is quenched. We are satisfied. We are perpetually filled. An ongoing source of Living Water flowing within us, strengthening us for the impossible tasks we face. A well of resource that gives us new courage and new hope when we feel we have reached bottom and our wells have run dry.

It's there for us with a mere asking.

Father, help me first of all, to give to you what you may be asking of me. Then help me to know You... to really know who You are, in a much greater way than I've ever known before. If I can stand but a glimpse of your Glory, let me behold You in a way that changes me, and let me ask without wavering for this gift of Living Water.

There is no other fountain that brings eternal life but You.

Party of One

2010-07-27T22:11:00.011-03:00

Sometimes I have a party where I am the only one invited. It's usually called a "pity party". Even though I'm an introvert, this is a little bit ridiculous and a whole lot self centered.

It's easy to get lost in my own problems and concerns and think I've just been handed the short end of the stick and no one even cares or notices.

This self-induced wallowing and whining is dangerous and harmful - to me and to those whose lives I interact with. It comes from legitimate pain that is experienced only through the filter of my circumstances.

My short-sightedness needs adjustment and only when I raise my head and glance around does it come. Amazingly I see people in a different perspective. I notice something I didn't see before and it becomes immediately clear they are carrying a heavy load of personal suffering. Looking more closely, I see deep pain and brokenness and I forget the cross I am carrying. My sorrows are minimized when I step into the despair of others.

When suffering as a Christian we often think we do not have the strength to endure but Christ comes alongside and reveals a hidden strength we never knew was there or believe existed.

Our journey through suffering can be used to undergird and bring comfort to others when we allow Christ to be our Comforter and strength. As God was and is there for us, we can be there for others also.

Trust in the Father's care for us and provision in our lives comes when we invite his presence into our difficult circumstances.

He enters the place of pain as Comforter, Friend and Helper.

We are never alone.

His grace is sufficient.

A Prayer for those who have lived long...

2010-07-26T13:05:00.003-03:00

Father in your lovingkindness,
come and be close to those who have lived long

Be strength to those who are weary
from caring for their spouses, siblings, friends

Light again the flame that is almost out
Let hope surface in the midst of despair

Increase the vision, sharpen the focus
and grant a sparkle to once again settle
in their eyes

Bring relief to aching bones and muscles,
disfigured hands and curved backs and
crooked legs

Surround them with golden memories
and smiles from the past

Keep their hearts beating,
their minds alert, their spirits soaring
for another hour,
another day
another year

Help them to share their
abundant wisdom and insight,
life lessons and triumphs
before they leave us

And when it's time for them
to step through the veil that
thinly separates Heaven and Earth -
wrap them tightly in your love,
hold them close,
breathe on them with Holy breath
and pass through with them
to their new place of rest

And for those of us left behind,
let us wave them on with
thunderous applause and
deep gratitude for how their lives
became a part of ours

Their footprints have left a
sacred mark where they
have trod

I Just Wish....

2010-04-20T21:24:00.004-03:00

There are times that I wish I could take away the pain that my friends experience.

I have several close friends that are experiencing difficult health problems, some financial problems, some relational problems, some "God" problems.

There's a part in me that weeps for them all.

I just wish I could fix their problems and make the pain go away.

I wish I could say the right things to them that would make everything better.

I wish I could hold them.

But here I am, unable to do any of these.

The only thing I am capable of is getting down on my knees, bowing my head and coming before the Heavenly Father
on their behalf.

It seems so small, this gift that I offer them, but it is all I have, all I can do.

And so, I will do it, faithfully, diligently, lovingly,...
Until the One to whom I pray, grants my request.

Tonight

2010-04-13T22:26:00.006-03:00

This evening was a beautiful evening to sit out on the front porch. A bit cool, but I wrapped myself in the warmth of a blanket and my husband grabbed his fleece prayer gown (the long hooded garment I made for him 15 years ago) and then we were all set. A wonderful way to end a late supper. Just the two of us and the night sky.

The darkness had not quite covered the sky - there were still remnants of dim light and silhouettes of buildings and people walking by.

We laughed out loud - at a phone conversation that was happening. Oh to be so free to laugh carelessly ...and reminisce - what a gift.

I recalled a moment about 40 years ago when I still lived at home with my parents. Oddly enough, it was looking out at the same sky from my upstairs bedroom window in Ontario, wondering who I would fall in love with, where I would end up, what I would do, praying and asking God to please let it happen quickly...I seemed so much in a hurry to live life back then.

And 40 years later, here I am. Sitting on my front porch with a man I deeply love...looking out at that same night sky and the street lights wondering what life will be like 10 years from now, maybe 15 years... maybe just 5 years from now. Realizing as I sit wrapped up tightly in my blanket, how fast life actually goes by. Now, I want life to slow down,... last longer...I don't want it to end or move so fast.

Realizing also, ... there is not much time left. Who knows? Well, of course, God does. I don't for sure. Yet, I must live as if life goes on and on. And it does. This life as we know it on earth, is only a small portion of what God has in store for us. There is so much more. Life eternal. Beyond "here". Beyond what we now feel, know, enjoy, participate in and treasure.

Yes, there is more. And that is Heaven. Heaven goes on and on. Heaven is what we experience that is "more" than "here". Heaven is complete. Ultimate. Extreme. Delightful. Engaging. Full. Forever.

I long for Heaven. But not now. Not for awhile. I want to live life to the fullest - experience more joy than ever before, laugh till it hurts with friends, cry when necessary, embrace tightly and say "I love you" so much that it becomes my signature phrase... I want to encourage, build up and launch others into their destiny, and support them in prayer and love along the way. I want to live generously - give generously, love generously .... spare nothing when it comes to expressing my love - I want to deepen my knowledge and understanding of this God that will not let me go... I need to know Him more fully and follow Him more carefully.

Big dreams. Big hopes. Deep prayers. Much to think about. But for tonight, I think only of the moment I have, right now, on my front porch, with laughter and love accompanying me.

This is all that matters.

The Gift

2010-04-05T21:13:00.002-03:00

Silently, quietly
she carried the gift
deep within
tucked away in a safe place
few would find it there
few would even notice
but there it would remain
until such a time
and in such a place,
it's presence would be needed.
Until then
it remained guarded
and safe,
kept and treasured

The gift came to her
by way of The Creator
few were handed out
few were selected
to hold and keep such
a gift
She often wondered
why she was one of
those selected
but over time
the wondering subsided
and she just knew
things were as they
were meant to be
So she waited
and nurtured the gift

Time passed
and the day came
when she was
to release and
expose the gift
that had been
hidden and kept
safe for such
a long time

The gift,
was a precious parcel,
a pearl of hope,
meant to be shared
with those who had more
need of it than her
So she gave it away
and soon found that
in its place, another
pearl appeared
so she gave it away also
and again, in the giving of the gift,
she continued to receive another
in its place
A pearl of hope always filled
the vacant place.
In the giving,
she received the very
gift she kept safe
the very gift she needed
herself,
the very gift she offered
to do without -
kept returning
to her

The Wise Creator
knew from the very beginning
this gift would bless the bearer
and bless those to whom it
was given.
His promise to supply
all her needs
was fulfilled every time
she gave the gift away.

"Ouch!"

2010-04-05T13:59:00.004-03:00

I managed to somehow put my back out several days ago, the second injury of this sort in the last few months. The first day it happened, I could barely walk; bending down was out of the question and if I were to lay down, then getting up required the aid of a loved one to carefully and slowly pull me into positions because of the pinching pain I was experiencing.

One would think the second time around one would be used to the necessity of enlisting help. No. Not me. In fact, this time my injury occurred on a busy Easter weekend with the expectations of a big dinner and outings and everything else that goes with the celebration.

I am not very good at delegating. I confess. I am so used to doing it all and quite quickly, I may add, on my own. Is this a hint of "pride" raising it's ugly head?? Perhaps, and most likely. I've seen it modeled over and over again in my family of origin. I come from a strong family line of hard working folk that physically pushed themselves to the limit to "get things done" and I am no different. Hard work for me has always been my default. I'm good at it. I'm organized and I can get the job done. I'm also strong. Well, I used to be.... I am middle aged now - 53 years old and I just don't bounce back like I used to. And, honestly,... I really do not want to abuse my body like that anymore. I'm trying to pace myself now. I'm finding freedom in sitting and visiting and going for walks and meditating and leaving the chores and the things that need to be done for other times. The urgency of tasks in the moment has lost it's impact. Age has naturally seen to that.

So, the physical restraint on my body is in a way, a good thing. I need to ask others to do things for me. I need to ask for their help in the simple tasks of just getting up and sitting down, moving here and going there. I need to be patient with the way they do things.... it will not be as I would do them, of course, but even that does not matter. I'm being forced to "rest". A good thing, I think.

The gift of the "moment". The life, love, joy, pain, - all of it in the moment, is part of the gift. How we embrace the moments placed before us is the true act of becoming wise.

My back will get better. I'll soon forget I had any limitations at all. Let's hope the lessons of the last few days remain forever a part of the "wiser me".

Ramblings and musings from Turkey and Greece

2010-03-30T20:51:00.002-03:00

I just returned from an amazing trip to Turkey and Greece, part of the required course curriculum that I have been studying the past two years at a local Christian university.

The sites were astonishing, breathtaking and moving. To think that life existed some 2000 thousand years ago and folk went about their business and common everyday life as normal as we go about ours, is to say at the least,... mind-boggling.

Life was full of business, sadness, fear, hope, expectation and passion. Innovations, systems, problem solving, and philosophical thoughts consumed the minds of those seeking to improve their way of life and question the purpose of their existence and relationship to the gods that dominated the society.

Beautiful palaces, temples, ornate sculptures and colourful frescoes spoke to me of a creative people that pursued beauty and form to adorn their environment.

Skill and craftsmanship, talent and ability that lasted hundreds and thousands of years, still impressed the onlooker.

Ruin upon ruin became a resting place for the many pieces of stone and marble that now lay in obscure disarray. It spoke to me of places that once were strong and impressive, seemingly meant to last forever, but did not.

I was impressed by the pieces that did remain - the pieces that managed to keep standing without being tipped or knocked down by earthquakes, invasions, .... other devastating occurrences.

These pieces spoke to me of strength, longevity, steadfastness, courage, ... as I looked at them, particularly the pillars, they towered high above me and I found myself drawn to them as signposts, monuments of a civilization long gone by, another world that could never imagine the one I am from, a time when life as they knew it, exisited in the present - full of emotion and purpose.

I often wonder how I will stand when the earthquakes come in my life. What will remain in me - if anything at all, that will last for centuries to come.... what will be my legacy that will be passed on .... what will my signpost indicate... what will my monument say about how I lived, conquered, and died...

Ramblings, musings from Turkey and Greece.... much to process...much to consider.

Sink holes

2010-02-21T18:59:00.002-04:00

I found myself in a sink hole today. Didn't expect it,
Didn't see it coming. Didn't really know I was in it, till
I looked down and saw that I was covered in mud.
Hmm...
I managed to pull myself out of it, somewhat through
sheer discipline of the mind. But it's effects have lingered.

The struggle I find to continually go forward, to continually
trust, to continually seek after God ... takes a lot of energy.
Spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. I honestly find it a battle.

It means constantly making choices. Will I allow my thoughts to
go down this road? or will I stop them up short and reroute them to
this road?

Will I waste my time doing this pointless bit of "nothing"? or will
I use the time to do the task I've been procrastinating? or will I consider
spending time with someone who needs encouragement? or will I take
the time to pray about someone's situation, like I promised?

Yet, I know that embracing the "better thing" in the long run, helps me, heals me
and makes me stronger. Kind of like going to the gym. After awhile you begin to see
results of working your muscles, burning calories, increasing your aerobic
fitness. It does make a difference. It is worth the discipline.

So, I will continue to wipe myself off, tie up my shoe laces,
set my eyes ahead of me and take the first step.
Again.

It's worth the prize at the end.

The Voice of Love

2010-01-21T19:02:00.003-04:00

Whose voice is it that calls me from the distance
and makes me abandon my present thoughts
I'm pulled immediately to respond,
to find it's source

Why am I so moved
what is it that has captured my heart,
my soul?

I am drawn by it's power, it's hold over me
I am compelled to find it

It's the voice of Love beckoning me
to a place where my heart can be cared for,
loved and felt safe.

Haiti's Cries

2010-01-14T22:31:00.003-04:00

Lost in contemplation
I'm distracted by recent events
far away, yet near in my heart
helpless I am, hopeless I am
as images of devastation pass by my eyes

swirls of questions cloud by mind
too big to ask, too big to answer
unable to hear
unable to discern
your voice

somewhere, you are there
this I know for sure
it's just that I can't see you
through all the pain
the fog of sorrows
the din of screams
the heaviness of death

God be God
God be great
God be gracious and merciful
God be quick to heal and save

So many brothers and sisters
lost beneath the rubble in your
beautiful country of Haiti

God come quickly
to the suffering ones, the poor ones, in Haiti
God,... come and cry

Inhaling God's Goodness

2010-01-04T22:31:00.004-04:00

A thought that has been mulling around in my mind lately is the idea of "inhaling" God's goodness and "exhaling" my sinfulness.

It just sort of popped into my head one morning as I uttered a prayer before my eye lids even opened. And so, I've been thinking about the natural process of "breathing" in God.

There is so much goodness around me. Yes, I am aware there also is death and destruction. But I choose to believe and choose to see the handiwork of God in creation, and in the lives of those nearest me, that I focus on this positive aspect of life.

God within me, is greater than the force of evil in the world. Acknowledging his fingerprint in nature causes me to thank Him for his creativity. Recognizing the "divine" in the faces of those that flash across my mind, makes me rejoice and thank Him for such wonderful "human" gifts.

Breathing in his goodness - actually taking a deep breath with my eyes still closed - holding it for a minute till my lungs fill up with the volume of his presence - transforms me. I am filled with a heavenly peace - a heavenly presence - a holy longing for more ...

And with this breathing comes an exchange. I inhale his goodness then exhale my sinfulness - push out with force, the sins that have consumed me and tainted my soul.

Oh, that a mere breath,... a single breath,.. would be all that I need to experience to be transformed and made more like Christ, but alas, "breathing" must be perpetual in order for life to be sustained.

So, I "breathe in and out" endlessly.

The Gift of My Children

2010-01-01T10:36:00.004-04:00

I just stood in the kitchen window watching my daughter Sandy load her luggage in a friend's vehicle and prepare for the long trip back to the city where she lives and starts another semester of university. She was home for two weeks over the Christmas holidays and the time together was wonderful. My son Bill lives in town and we enjoy his company tremendously every time he drops in. My other daughter, husband and granddaughter are visiting his family in South Africa and their presence was greatly missed this year and I can hardly wait till they get back home safely and I can visit them.

I found myself suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of emotion as I watched the vehicle leave the driveway. Moments ago I hugged her and told her I loved her - whispered in her ear that she brings me great joy. And now I am full of sadness because she is leaving and also full of deep love for her and my other two grownup children.

Gosh,...the love one has for their children is indescribable. You think it reaches a plateau and it can never become deeper,especially when they become adults, but that is not the case, as I am finding out. It deepens with every year of their life, every experience, every circumstance, every season they go through.

I spent New Years Eve at a local establishment surrounded by so many friends, neighbours and family. My husband played in a band and I danced the old year out and the new year in to tunes of the 60's, 70's and 80's. What fun! What absolute joy! It's hard to get me off the dance floor once I get going....it's a freedom I never experienced until my mid 40's and I love every moment. There I am moving to the rhythm and beat of the music on the dance floor, opposite my daughter and my son who are just several feet away... we're laughing our heads off - they're not embarrassed by their mom out dancing with them - actually the range of ages covers a huge span of early 20's to over 60...the generation gap disappears on the dance floor.

It's a wonderful feeling of community being there together. My son takes my hand and begins to twirl me - and I'm just so darn bad at it (not enough experience I think!) and he laughs at me - I laugh at me - and it's all in such great humor that we attempt it again...

So,... it's with these fresh memories of last night that my emotions get stirred up as I see Sandy leave and head back to her home. I am so blessed. I love my children so much.

They are the greatest and the most loved gifts I have ever received from my Heavenly Father and nothing in this world is more important than my relationship with them. Like precious jewels, I tuck them carefully away in my heart, protecting them, nurturing them, loving them with a love that deepens and becomes more rich with every phone call, every conversation over coffee, every embrace, every tear, every prayer.

I could never thank you enough Father for who they are, who they will become and the gift they are to me.

Thank you.

A Simple Prayer for 2010

2010-01-01T01:33:00.005-04:00

Dear Father,

I come before you with a simple request for this New Year

May your grace sustain me

and your guidance be clear

and may you create in me

more of what is necessary to become like You.

I love you.

Because He Exists....

2009-12-31T11:16:00.009-04:00

I'm reluctant at times to blog. Sometimes I wonder why I do it at all. I express myself better through written words than I do through speech - I process my thoughts, feelings, and emotions much easier by getting them out on paper. Yet, once they are out, there is a sense that I have exposed a part of my soul - the deep part of me that I long to protect and hide. There is fear that I may not be able to survive the criticism. There is an uncomfortableness that too many people know "too much" of me.

Not sure why that is. Wondering still, at my age, why my impulse, my reaction is to put my arms up in a defensive position. I keep sacred, a part of me that only God and few close friends know - and even then, a part that only God and I share and talk about.

But I feel compelled to write. And I keep hearing this quiet voice whisper in my ear - "write"...

So because I long to please the one that whispers softly to me, I will continue to share the thoughts and insights that come to me.

Today I was reading "The Essential Henri Nouwen" and was challenged by some of his ideas.

Last year, I would often say to myself, "it doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter.... it is the way it is..." and somehow this enabled me to accept the circumstances or consequences that I would find myself in. In a sense, it was a relinquishing of the possibility of change ever happening. But now I realize it was still "self focused". It was not really "surrendering" but rather saying, "there is no hope, it is the way it is...." a response derived from self-pity rather than a belief that God is bigger than my disappointments.

Reading today from Nouwen, his devotional talked about that very thought ..."Instead of saying 'Nothing matters any more, since I know that God exists,' the converted person says, 'All is now clothed in divine light and therefore nothing can be unimportant.' " - so everything matters.

Clothing the naked, offering a cup of water to the thirsty, expressing kindness,... everything matters....

Then he goes on to say "The 'nothing matters' and the 'everything matters', should never be separated. What brings them together is the unceasing cry coming from the heart: 'God exists.' "

This changes everything. Everything that "is", happens in God. The meaning of all that I am comes from God existing. My understanding of this changes then how I view my circumstances, my future, my dreams, my relationships, ... everything I set my hand and heart to has to come from the premise that I believe there is a supreme sovereign God that cares for me, loves me and bottom line .... exists.

His existence changes my existence, ... therefore, everything matters....everything is important. Thank God, God exists.

Hold our Speech

2009-12-29T13:01:00.003-04:00

I read recently the Daily Celtic Prayer for December 27 and it reinforced in my mind the caution we must take over our speech.
"Words of complaint can be so destructive", that this should be our rule: "Silence, unless the reason for speech will bear the searchlight of Eternity."

It is far too easy to let our opinions be known, our judgments expressed and our emotions elevate to a point that wounding takes place. This could be wounding and deliberate attack on others we feel the need to put down, or it could even be self-inflicted wounding that destroys the inner person that God made us to be.

As much as possible we need to keep a watch over our lips - guarding the gates lest something slips out without notice.

Christ, the Living Word must be the source of our spoken words. As we seek to become more like him, our tendency to speak without hesitation and consideration of what comes out of our mouth is diminished. Our hearts are softened. Our words are few and selective. Our intent is to build up, edify, correct in love and honor one another.

The thought of restraining our speech until it bears the searchlight of Eternity is a daunting task.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-26T00:23:00.002-04:00

It's almost time to head off to bed and say goodnight to Christmas 2009. It was a happy day but I missed having my oldest daughter and her husband and my little granddaughter here for Christmas with us. They are in South Africa for this Christmas season visiting his relatives there and celebrating his grandfolks anniversary.

So, their presence was greatly missed.

I managed to get out for a walk during the day and use it as my prayer time. Trying to understand the complexity of God becoming human will baffle me forever, but forever I will be grateful. I serve a God who is able to understand and feel the tension and sorrow that I feel and the joy and delight that I also experience. He is a God who is familiar with pain and suffering, temptation and distraction. And yet, he did not sin.

My hesitation to come close to a God who is so divine that he is unapproachable, somehow disappears when I think of him as a fellow human of flesh and blood, dirt and grime, and full of emotion. It is then that I draw him close to me - or perhaps, he draws himself close to me. Whatever the case, his presence is felt as a real live human being standing next to me - or so it seems. Suddenly, he enters my world. Experiences and feels what I feel and experience. Limits himself to the "smallness" of a human, then proceeds to embrace authentic crucifixion and death so I don't have to and all of this, to offer me the gift of salvation, a hope of eternal life, and a relationship with a God who will never abandon me.

There just isn't enough time to think this all through and understand the significance of the incarnation. But I must try. I must try, for it is in seeing God as "human", that I see him as "Divine".

This Moment

2009-12-23T21:51:00.005-04:00

This moment right now is all I have. So I must choose how I wish to live it.

Perhaps with grace and love, kindness and affection.

Maybe with discipline, courage and perseverance.

I can't make decisions too far in the moments I may never have, but right now, I have this one

And it is so important that I choose carefully, to live it for you.

Grant me the ability to take one moment at a time and make it count

and then take the next one and make it do the same

Hold me back from living in the future, today. And from living in the past tomorrow.

For today, for this moment, right now,

Help me to live fully alive embracing all that it contains

And to be grateful that I've lived yet another one.

Holy Potter, I am Wholly Thine

2009-12-23T21:41:00.006-04:00

Longing to be ever more pliable in your tender, gentle hands, Holy Potter, I wholly give myself to you.

Surrendering, once again, my will to come into alignment with yours.

Push, twist, shape and hold me, till I resemble once again your image for me.

Fill me, equip me, and adapt me to be all I need be, to do the task you have set before me.

And when I am broken and shattered, dirty and worn down, ....

I give myself wholly to you, again, for your retooling and remaking of this lump of clay.

A Snowy Wintery Night

2009-12-23T21:15:00.004-04:00

I ventured out for a walk this evening. Just needed to get outside for some fresh air and exercise and time alone to think and pray. What a beautiful night that spread it's beauty before me. The air was crisp and somewhat cold, but manageable for a winter's night walk.

The snow was gently falling, straight down - no wind to blow it around. It fell quietly, silently. Each bit of snow adding to the layer beneath it. And as it fell, it glistened and sparkled. The street lights aided in the sparkling. It seemed like I was treading on paths of radiant diamonds. I smiled within my soul and expressed it on my face. There is just something about falling snow that reminds me of God's great love for the world, for me. The snow diamonds are so vast, they spread a covering of white everywhere. All the unsightly views are covered over and everything is made new and beautiful. That's what God's love does - it covers our sins, and makes us new again.

The beauty of the season reminds me too, that in the cold and dark times, there is hope, and there is a promise that life will burst forth again, the sun will melt the snow, the earth will warm and cause the soil to be a womb for new growth. And the cycle will continue. Life, death, life again...

In every stage, season, event, circumstance and predicament, God is there. Watching it all unfold. Whispering hope, and instilling courage.

Thank you God for being a God who is involved in our most treasured and most difficult moments of life. Without you, there can be no life. No hope.

You are the Hope-Giver.

Longing for Truth

2009-11-19T22:46:00.003-04:00

Truth, I long for truth
No more fooled by random persuasion
No more deceived by by old habits
No more camouflaged by things not authentic
I long to live in truth

Guide me into ways of truth
Grant me discernment in webs of deceit
Give me clarity when obscurity is all I know
Surround me with good friends and godly counsel

I long to walk in truth,
About me
About others
About Christ
I long to live in truth

While I Sleep

2009-11-19T00:23:00.003-04:00

Come Father, while I sleep tonight
Sneak into my hidden thoughts, my unformed, raw and sometimes carnal dreams
Speak deeply into my unconscious state -
Place divine secrets within my heart to give me hope
Fill up my empty cisterns with the warmth of your love
Tune my ears to hear the sounds of your love in ways I've
never heard before

Rest my weary muscles, my aching head
Relax the tension in my neck and shoulders from unnecessary worry
Watch over me with care and keep me safe
Keep away the dark shadows that wake me in the wee hours

As I lay down my body, my thoughts, my identity
Breathe on me oh breath of God
And fill me once again, this hallowed night
With your healing love.

My Invisible King

2009-11-18T23:52:00.002-04:00

God, in his great love, allows us to build relationships and connections with others, that over time shape and form us more into the likeness of Christ. How significant and wonderful the body of Christ fits together. How precious the bonding of our hearts to one another.

God's presence surrounds us - envelopes us and holds us when we can't see him, can't feel him and can't call out to him. He is still there. Invisibly there. But there.

Oh that my eyes could see the invisible. Oh that my heart could love like his. Oh that my thoughts and my mind could understand him, this invisible friend that is faithful to the end. There is no place he cannot find me, no sin too terrible that he will not forgive, no brokenness that he cannot mend.

Oh, this Saviour, Healer, Redeemer and Friend of mine. How can I grow to love you more? How can I follow you when I can't see you? Open my eyes, open them widely, and let them behold you in all your glory.

You are my King and I long to worship and serve you.

Time sets us straight

2009-09-21T21:31:00.003-03:00

It's been such a long time since I last wrote on my blog. A lot of internalizing and soul searching, a lot of musing thoughts with the Father, and a lot of times of tears and pain.

Questioning my purpose, direction, calling, accomplishments - all those things which we tend to think about more seriously when middle age comes round the corner.

Everything is evaluated differently. Time seems to move by faster, and yet it seems we move more slowly. It takes longer to recover from a restless night than when we were younger. The ability to over extend our physical, mental and emotional state comes at a higher price now...the reserves are just not there like they used to be.

You notice things around you differently. You spend more time observing people, nature and contemplating the purpose and significance of your surroundings. An appreciation of the "simple things" takes on more relevance. For me, every fall seems to be more spectacular than the previous year; the friendship of close friends, seems dearer; the hugs from family members seem more satisfying; the time it takes to say "goodnight" to your loved one, more intimate.

The meaning of ordinary tasks just seem to be more wonderful when you realize how little time there is in all the moments of our lifetime.

Middle age, for the most part is another great adventure. Our bodies remind us we are not invincible.... our wisdom gained from past lessons and experiences give us an equity when asked our opinion. We do KNOW some things!! Life has been a great teacher. Some lessons we are still having to learn again.

I'm learning to "let things go"... "choose my battles"... "redeem the day"... don't sweat the "small things"... and to live life with a more grateful heart each day.

When it's all said and done,... our attitude will speak the loudest.... how we have journeyed through life, embraced difficulties and treated others will be our score card.

It's not too late to begin again.

Sometimes

2009-07-10T16:04:00.002-03:00

Sometimes I am the ointment that is applied to the gaping wound

Sometimes I am the wind that fills the sails of the ship lost at sea

Sometimes I am the elevator that takes people one floor higher

Sometimes I am the warm blanket that is placed over those who are cold and lonely

Sometimes I am the canvas God paints

Sometimes I am the training wheels to support young riders

Sometimes I am the fragrance of beauty

Sometimes I am the chalice that holds the wine for the Eucharist

Sometimes I am the bread that is broken and multiplied

Sometimes I am the ears of God

Sometimes I am the smile of God

Sometimes I am the tears of God

Sometimes I am the one who nailed my Lord to the Cross

Sometimes I am the one casting lots for his clothes

Sometimes I am the one who breaks his heart

Always, I am the one forgiven

Always, I am the one loved

Don't Shrink

2009-05-26T23:33:00.003-03:00

A recurring phrase has lodged itself within my mind for the last few weeks now. Simply stated, this is it - "don't shrink".The more expanded thought encourages me to not play small, but rise up and become what God destined me to become. Aware somewhat of what that might be, I gather courage and a stiff upper lip and attempt the difficult task.

How easy it is for me to step back and disappear among the crowds, preferring to remain "unnoticed", "plain", "insignificant". It requires less courage, less energy, and less risk of failure. After all, who wants to fail?

I never seek the spotlight. I avoid it (not that it is looking for me anyway). And yet, there are times I find myself there, not by my own choosing, but because somehow along the way, I've been invited to it.

I believe that God wants to do more in us and through us than we ever dared to imagine. Somehow, we are limited in our finite minds as to the endless possibilities of living wholly surrendered, wholly committed lives, whatever the cost. Who really knows what a life completely yielded to Christ looks like? It's in this journey of becoming like him, that we resolve, one way or another, to "not shrink", but take up our cross and follow him. And, it looks different for each one of us.

There are certain events that need to unfold by our mere participation in the role we are called to play. We must rise up, on cue, for the production to continue. We have an important part to act out that needs our specific gift and talent that we've been handed and it takes great faith to deliver what we are unsure we have been given.

So rise up, don't play small - a whole cast needs you to do your best and contribute to the ongoing building of a huge spiritual body, a living, holy organism.

Commentary on Elizabeth Gilbert - "A Different Way to Think About Creative Genius"

2009-02-25T17:18:00.017-04:00

A Ted.com reflection assignment for Ministry Module March 2009

Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of the international bestseller "Eat, Pray, Love" which has launched her into literary success. This has challenged her to think differently about creative genius. She refers to the anguish creative people go through to continue to produce or create another work of inspiration, particularly after a successful accomplishment.

"Why do creative ventures make us afraid?" "Why is it that anyone should be afraid of the work that they were put on this earth to do?" "Why do we fear we cannot repeat success?" These are some of the difficult questions she poses.

"Why are people who are creative genius undone by their gift?" "We accept the notion that creativity and suffering are somehow inherently linked and artistry in the end will ultimately lead to anguish."

Gilbert thinks this assumption is dangerous and it should not be perpetuated. She says we need to encourage our great creative minds to live.

Her question as to how this can be done is legitimate. How do we create safety for the artist from the onslaught of criticism and negative reactions? How do we protect the artist? For her protection she creates a psychological construct between her and the anxiety towards her writing.

Another poignant question she raises is how do we help creative people manage the risks of creativity?

Gilbert refers to the history of the Ancient Greeks and Romans and their belief that creativity did not come from within themselves but instead from a divine attendant spirit that came to humans from outside somewhere, as magical, divine entities or disembodied spirits. These spirits would help with the creative process and collaborate with the work of the artist. Then, if the work was a success or a failure, the results could be attributed to the genius and their part in the creative process. This in a sense, protected the artist from the expectation and the pressure to deliver other successful work.

Gilbert suggests this inspiration is not a part of our being but rather is a genius on loan from some unimaginable source that will be passed along to someone else when they are finished with you.

I agree that there is an element of creativity that does not always come from within us. Mastery and skill of ones craft can produce amazing work, but I believe there is an influence from a "divine" being that comes when least expected and inspires us to create in a way that is above our natural abilities and beyond our realm of creative expression. The artist never knows when this will happen so the discipline of continuing to create is necessary.

There is a point in our creative expressions that if we can forget our limitations and become like little children and believe anything is possible, then our art takes on a heightened perspective. Something happens when we begin to create. Something is released in us that was there from the beginning of our created lives. Beauty erupts, through endless ways of expression – art, music, dance, prose, and more, and we find ways to speak the language of our Creator. And this all happens because we fulfill the reason for which we were created.

I believe this sanctity happens, this holy space emerges, even if we do not know the Creator personally. His influence is within and throughout our very beings and we can not help but allow it to come forth at some point.

As created beings, we have this inherent desire to want to create. The expectation and pressure we sometimes feel about our personal work can distract and harm our ability to create freely.

Gilbert insists that we not be afraid or daunted, but continue to do our job, continue to show up for our part and if we are fortunate, our genius may show up and leave some sort of wonderment for all our efforts. "And if this happens", she says, "then 'Ole`' and if not, then 'Ole`' to you for the sheer stubbornness of showing up."

January 12, 2009

2009-01-12T04:02:00.005-04:00

God is my refuge, my hiding place. He walks beside me, goes before me and lives within me.
How can I ever escape his presence? He is with me all the time.
Why would I ever want him to leave?

Father, embrace this child of yours and hold her tightly. Protect and shield her from the storm. Strengthen the weak parts.
Then send her out again to be all that you created her to be.

A Blessed Year 2008

2008-12-28T19:25:00.003-04:00

This morning in church we were asked to remember back on the year and think about the good things that had happened in our lives, the difficult and painful times and the memories attached to all of those events.

I must say it's been quite a year for me.

It's been a year of gifts. Most of them I have really enjoyed and with overwhelming thanksgiving and gratitude, I have used them to propel me forward in my journeying with God.

Many of them have been a first for me.

I participated in a two week intensive course in worship in the Spring. This opened my heart and soul to the incredible world of knowledge and understanding pertaining to the worship artisan and creative leader. Then I ventured out on a two week tour and biblical/historical study in Italy with 40 other students and faculty from our local university and absolutely fell in love with the beauty and history of that country. It brought visual understanding to so many of the history books I had previously read. Finally, I was able to touch the stones put in place by Francis of Assisi, and I was able to walk down the streets like so many before that had given their lives for their faith in Christ.

Then I spoke in church. A first all around for me. I also had a moment of courage and confidence and applied for the masters ministry module program (after being out of school for 33 years) and began reading every spare moment for the course which was held in October. What an amazing time those two weeks were. I met people from all walks of life, all ages, different continents throughout the world and we all came together with one purpose in mind - to know more and to grow in our understanding and knowledge of who this God is that is calling us forth.

Later that summer I decided to apply for a position at our local university and surprisingly ended up with the job of student life director.

Throughout all of the past year, I have found myself more than a few times on my face before the Lord, begging him for direction, wisdom, courage, strength, discernment ... I could not go forward one step without knowing that he was there beside me, with me, arm in arm, saying (ever so kindly, ever so gently,...) "this is the way, walk here..."

Everything this year has been so much bigger than how I see myself or what I see within me. It still is. I feel stretched in every possible way - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Sometimes I don't know why I made the decisions I did. I have moments of such insecurity and fear and intimidation that I want to run and hide in my safe place again. The world does not need what I have to give. Let me just live within my small box, my small world where I am safe.

But I can't go back. I've tasted and experienced such life, such knowledge, such insight, such love ... that I can never go back to being small again. Unless, of course, he wants me there.

I also received a gift this past fall that was painful to receive. It knocked me for a "loop" , left me reeling for a bit and I lost ground. But God is so good and I know that this struggle is a gift because it makes me more desperate to reach out to my God to help me.

I look forward to the New Year with some fear and trembling - still uncertain of the future and my commitment to all that I have taken on. I can only go forward a step at a time, relying on his strength, his grace and his mercy to get me through.

I have so much to be thankful for. God is amazing and I love him more deeply, more honestly, more devotedly than ever before.

The most special gift of all that I received this year was the birth of my beautiful little granddaughter, Noella Robyn Ana, on September 14th. She indeed is a treasured gift and I'm honoured that she is named after me. I look in her eyes and see the Creator. I whisper in her ears that she is a gift from God and for as long as I am able, I will remind her of that.

My heartfelt prayer, my deepest desire for this New Year that is upon me is that I would have a pure heart before God. I long to worship him in a pure and more holy way. I long for more holiness in my life. I long for more of Christ to be evident in me. I long to know him better, to love him more - to be used more for his purposes....

This is my most sincere wish -my most longed for dream for 2009.

Colossians 1:15-17

2008-12-28T00:02:00.003-04:00

"Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before God made anything at all and is supreme over all creation. Christ is the one through whom God created everything in heaven and earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can't see--kings, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities. Everything has been created through him and for him. He existed before everything else began, and he holds all creation together."

As I meditated on "he holds all creation together", I thought that when I really think that this world may crumble and fall apart because of the chaos globally, and the uncertainty in the future, God is still in charge. He has his best man on the job - Christ. It will be kept intact, this world will be restored, redeemed, renewed, rebuilt.

Then I thought if he can hold all of creation together and keep it intact, then he must be able to hold our lives together and keep them from shattering, and our hearts from breaking.

How often have we felt like everything was being uprooted, and torn apart...yet Christ kept us together. We are intact in him, because we are part of his body and he is the head. He is the firstborn and supreme over all creation. He is the visible image of the invisible God and we are created in that same image.

Christ holds creation together, Christ holds us together.

Believe this deep within your heart.

Some Beautiful Thoughts from Henri Nouwen

2008-11-23T22:44:00.002-04:00

I love these beautiful thoughts from Henri Nouwen's book, The Way of the Heart.

"Compassion can never coexist with judgment because judgement creates the distance, the distinction, which prevents us from really being with the other."

"Solitude molds self-righteous people into gentle, caring, forgiving persons who are so deeply convinced of their own great sinfulness and so fully aware of God's even greater mercy that their life itself becomes ministry. In such a ministry there is hardly any difference left between doing and being. When we are filled with God's merciful presence, we can do nothing other than minister because our whole being witnesses to the light that has come into the darkness."

"Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken."

"Only in the context of grace can we face our sin; only in the place of healing do we dare to show our wounds; only with a single-minded attention to Christ can we give up our clinging fears and face our own true nature."

Rescue, Restore and Rebuild

2008-11-23T22:20:00.002-04:00

A few days ago I was spending some time in prayer over a particular concern and before the time was finished, I clearly heard these three words from the Lord. Rescue, restore and rebuild.

They gave a sense of direction and answer to my specific prayers.

Rescue. A deliberate action taken to go after someone in dire need of help. Their feet have stumbled, and they are headed down the road to destruction. They need someone to save them.

Restore. A plan set in place to give back what has been taken from them without their permission.

Rebuild. A reconstruction to set in place solid foundational truths that can withstand the tough blows that life brings its way.

As I have pondered these three words, they in a sense have articulated my mission statement for this season of my life and particularly for what I am doing now in my new job.

God has set the example. He sent his son Jesus to rescue us, restore and rebuild us. And now, it's our directive to go and do the same to those that need to be saved.

Past, present and future

2008-11-01T20:19:00.002-03:00

After spending two weeks at a beautiful retreat center delving into the riches of studying the Ancient Christians and their story, I have come to realize their story is all part of the bigger story that I too have a part to play in, participate in, walk out.

It is in this recognition of the "bigger picture" that I seek to know God in a deeper and more intimate way.

I am closer acquainted to my christian history and its roots than ever before and I do not take lightly now some of the traditions and/or ways of worship that I choose to participate in.

God seems more relevant to me now. I see him more clearly in the past, embrace him more fully in the present and look forward to his work in the future.

Spent and emptied out

2008-09-26T21:32:00.002-03:00

Is there anything more I can give to you Lord?

Show me if there is. Tell me if there is.

I want you to have my all. I want you to take this treasure in this earthen jar and spill it all out on you.

I want to be spent on serving you.

Yes, spent, all used up, completely wasted, totally emptied out, wholeheartedly given over to you.

That's it. That's all. That's everything. That's me.

A most amazing girl - my Sandy

2008-08-08T13:18:00.012-03:00

I found out that yesterday, my middle daughter who is visually impaired since birth, had a "blind day".

One of those days that coping with limited sight is just too much. The struggle is too great. There's no more energy to give to "trying to figure out" what it is that you see, or what it is that you can't see.

No more patience when you try to order something from a menu board that you can't even read and the person behind the counter thinks you must be mentally incompetent, because after all, the items are listed on the board above one's head. So they also assume, that you must be illiterate.

There's no more courage to go to a new and completely strange place, attempt to find the door, then attempt to locate and somehow recognize the person you were supposed to meet, let alone asking directions to a particular office, when the sign is just there to your left, three feet away.

No more courage to put yourself out there and engage conversation only to realize all the time you have been talking to the wrong person and furthermore, you've misread cues that they are not remotely interested in what you are saying.

No more self restraint to hold back the tsunami of frustration and tears, that comes with being visually impaired, described by four letter words.

No more hope that maybe someday it will be different. Or, why do I always have to depend on someone? Or, if only I could drive, I could get so much more accomplished. Or, why is it I miss the obvious?

She's almost 25 years old, this amazing daughter of mine. In those 25 years, as her mom, I bet she's had less than 100 "blind days". This in itself, is remarkable and speaks to the amazing and incredible intestinal fortitude that makes up her constitution.

She's my HERO.

I've said that to her over and over again. My hat is off to her. I salute her for her courage and determination to continually overcome and rise above her limitations. I'm the crazy mom in the bleachers yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs as if I were the only one in her cheering section - "You go girl!!...You can do it!!"

So many times I wished it were different for her. So many times I begged and pleaded for God to heal her, right from the time she was an infant. It was hard as a mother to see her struggle. Yet, of my three children, she has always been the first of them to attempt "the daring", "take risks", be involved in activities that pushed her to her visual limitations and beyond.

She's a joy to be around. My "party girl" I call her. She loves people, she loves entertainment, she really loves to dance, she loves learning, she loves close relationships, she loves to laugh and have fun, she loves her family, and she loves her God.

She's a dreamer, an idealist, a positive thinker, an artist. Her tenacious spirit is without doubt, her greatest strength.

She has taught me so much as I've watched her grow up. I've learned life lessons from her that I could not have learned elsewhere. I've mostly learned that I cannot meet her every need and neither am I supposed to. And in those times that she pushed me away for her own self perservation, ... that was the right thing to do. (Thank God she had the strength to do that. ) I sit back now and watch as God shows me how he brings others around to care for her and then he shows me just how strong she is to handle things on her own.

Tomorrow, she will rise again and live as if she has no limitations at all. Way to go my dear.

I bless you Sandy for who you are and who you are becoming through all that you have to overcome. I thank God for making you just the way he did. You are a gift from him and truly the most courageous and amazing individual I know. (Your dad is right up there too!)

(guess I had a bit of a "blind day" myself)

"Deeply Spiritual"

2008-08-08T09:56:00.005-03:00

The other day I was with a dear friend who in conversation referred to another woman as a "deeply spiritual woman". It caught my attention and for a moment I was off on a thought about what "deeply spiritual' meant.

Something about it resonated within my soul. Someday, I would love to be known in this way.

And I then thought, well, what does it look like when one is "deeply spiritual"? So here is what immediately came to mind.

One who is described this way would have a relationship with the Lord that would always be growing, whether through circumstances of pain and suffering or joy and celebration. There would be evidence that a deep work is going on within the soul.

They would have peace about them that passes all understanding. A humbleness that speaks of relinquishing the demands of self, allowing others to go before them. A kindness and love that can always "go one more mile for a friend", a reserve of patience and tolerance that could only be given by God himself.

They would have a sense of God's presence in all that they do - forever aware that he is in all and through all.

They would have an accurate understanding of who they are. An acceptance of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities in a way that God can be glorified in them. They would see the beauty and potential in others and encourage it to come forth.

I'm seeking to be a "deeply spiritual" woman.

I long to know my Lord in such a way that I can hear and feel his heart beat because he is so close. I long to hear him whisper in my ear that he loves me. I long to feel his embrace holding and protecting me. I long to laugh at the things that bring him joy and experience his delight. I long to have his thoughts be mine. I long to have his heart, even a portion of it, find its home in mine.

I long to give my life to him.

Deeply spiritual.

This burning passion

2008-07-20T20:51:00.002-03:00

God, you know me.
Every part. Every cell.
Every hope. Every dream.
Every weakness. Every struggle.

I take great confidence in the fact that you know
me so well.
There's no need to hide anything from you.
You see it all anyway. You know it all
before I even know it.

So I am laid bare before you.
Naked. Exposed. Vulnerable
And yet, I'm not embarrassed.
I'm not ashamed.

Because your love finds me.
Embraces me. Covers me.
Holds me. Warms me.
Changes me. Moves me.
Protects me. Blesses me.
Saves me.

I so want You.

I passionately want you.

Sometimes my heart just aches to know you better.
This desire, this burning desire, I can barely control.
You have become the Lover I pursue. I want to find you.
I want to love you. I want to give my life, everything I am,
Everything I have, everything I will be.
To you.

I want to serve you.

Help me to be patient. To learn the lessons I need to learn.
Surround me with others who are like minded.
Teach me to love those that are difficult to love.
Make me kind. Make me gentle. Make me humble.
Fill me with your grace. Fill me with your mercy.

God, let this fire never be extinguished within me.
Instead...
Fuel it.
Flame it till it consumes me.

Psalm 86

2008-07-17T08:27:00.002-03:00

"Teach me your ways, O Lord,
that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart,
that I may honor you.
With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord
my God.
I will give glory to your name forever,
for your love for me is very great." verses 11-13

The ground beneath my feet

2008-07-07T18:40:00.002-03:00

Let the ground beneath my feet be holy.

Let your presence and your love be the fragrance that I wear.

Let your kindness be evident in my eyes.

Let your words of mercy and grace shape my smile.

Pursue Me Lord

2008-07-07T18:11:00.004-03:00

Lord, pursue me.

Call my name. Find me when I am lost and I am not even aware of it. Track me down when I've wandered off, thinking I know the right way.

Take my hand in yours and lead me.

Hold my head in your hands and turn my gaze heavenwards. For too long it has hung down in shame.

Embrace the part of me that is wounded, bruised, sore, raw and gently nurse it back to health.

Make my heart tender. Let it pulse with compassion and mercy.

Let me rejoice in my womanhood. Let me teach those younger than me to see their femininity as a gift.

Continue to reveal to me what it is you have for me to do.

Give me an obedient heart.

Pursue me, chase me, like a lover who must find the one he loves.

Fight for my heart.

Whisper in my ear that you love me.

I will respond... I will turn and follow you...I will serve you...I will give you my heart...

I will love you.

Meet me halfway

2008-07-05T01:23:00.001-03:00

In light of who you are God,

In light of who I am, ...

Come, meet me halfway and carry me the other half

to where you dwell.

My Wish List

2008-07-05T00:55:00.004-03:00

What do I wish for?

I am sure my list would change every day,...maybe every week, at least...
Right now, at this moment in time and space, without giving it too much thought, this is what I would wish for this night.

I wish for my daughter Jodi who is pregnant, to have a healthy baby and an easy delivery.

I wish for my daughter Sandy to have her dreams fulfilled.

I wish for my son Bill to walk into the calling God has for him.

I wish for my husband Paul to know God's counsel more and more.

I wish for my friend Mandy, complete and perfect health.

I wish for my friend Jane, God's peace.

I wish for my mom and dad, relief from pain.

I wish for my church to experience more of God's power.

I wish for my town to know God.

I wish for my friends to know more joy.

I wish for the university in town, more students.

I wish for my business friends, more prosperity.

I wish for my eyes to see beauty in ugly things.

I wish for my hands to touch more.

I wish for my arms to embrace more.

I wish for my mind to understand more.

I wish for my feet to stumble less.

I wish to be more thankful.

I wish for my heart to love more.

I wish to know my God more every day that I live, every day that I have breath.

I wish to give my life without reservation, without hesitation in submission to Him.

I wish I was more Christlike.

The Creative Struggle

2008-07-02T10:56:00.003-03:00

Sometimes I want to get everything out that is inside of me
and it just doesn't come out right
I carry around such fullness of emotion, thoughts, dreams,
and I just need to release the pressure
Sometimes it just pours out in colourful, beautiful words
other times, it just spits out in ideas and thoughts that are "chunky" and "ugly"
there is no flow
today is one of those days
I wish I had hours to work on it, try to get it going, get it out, - it's half in and half out this semi-created cluster of randomness
it's awkward, uncomfortable - there's so much to process, -
I'm resigned to letting it go for now
there's so many interruptions at the moment,
endless phone calls, visits at the door, pressures of time, "to do" lists
the artist in me wants to shatter all this and just create
and it's just not working right - nothing is coming together well
so the mumble jumble, eclectic ramblings and painful expressions are all that
I can bring out at this point
what a struggle - what a fight
and yet it has to be released so there is room to create more
so the cycle continues

Peaceable Shoes

2008-07-02T10:48:00.002-03:00

Today Lord, I wish to acknowledge you as my creator, Saviour, Lord and friend

Please direct my feet to walk in paths that are holy

Please keep my feet from stumbling

Order my steps

Let peace be my shoes that never wear out

Remember my friend today

2008-06-23T23:51:00.004-03:00

Lord, I pray for my dear friend today.

Give her strength to reach out and touch the hem of your garment so she may be made whole.

Restore to her the hope that she gives away so freely to others when they are in need. Today, she needs that hope for herself. She cannot give it away. Let it not slowly dwindle away with the pain and agony she is experiencing.

Renew your spirit within her. Grant her a sound mind. Fill her with your peace. Let waves of joy come and wash over her and take away the sadness in her heart.

Remind her of how BIG you really are. Give her a new lens with which to see you through.

Embrace her and never let her go until she is healed and able to embrace others in their pain.

Remember my dear friend today, dear Lord and answer my prayers for her.

How Big is Your God?

2008-06-23T23:38:00.003-03:00

We limit our God because of our small and limited thinking of him.

Either he is who he says he is and can handle all our pain and heartache or our faith is merely an exercise in positive thinking to help us cope with our crisises.

I choose to believe that my God is bigger than my struggles, bigger than my pain, bigger than my problems, bigger than my answers, bigger than my sin.

I choose to believe that he loves me more than I could ever know and my journey on this planet earth is to discover each day, just how "big" that love really is.

It's a wonderful journey.

A new gift day

2008-06-21T11:59:00.003-03:00

I rejoice in the gift of this new day.

As I open the gift, smell it, taste it, touch it, let me forever keep in mind that it is a gift, given to me in love. I didn't ask for it. You gave it to me out of your great storehouse of blessings.

I desire in turn, to give it back to you with my heart attached to it, for you to use me and do with me, what ever your desire is this day.

May you be pleased with the gift of my life given to you.

Loving my God

2008-05-25T00:10:00.005-03:00

Lord bless my feeble attempts at trying to "get it right"
There are just some things I do not do so well.

I desire to become the best I could possibly be
in only one thing that matters most to me -
and that is in loving you.

Let me love you more deeply every day you give me breath to live
Let me love you more passionately when I embrace the ones dearest to me
Let me love you more sacrificially when I remember your sacrifice on the cross
Let me love you more profoundly when I get a glimpse of how big you really are
Let me love you forever without hesitancy.

Bless my every attempt at loving you.
Let it be the best that I can offer you.

Wash Day

2008-05-24T23:40:00.002-03:00

Sounds of water splashing and turning, gurgling and spitting
suds forming and disappearing
fabric soaked, squeezed, twisted, spun
dirt removed...
smells of clean, fresh clothes.

Such a rigorous process to make what's filthy become clean
and required on such a regular basis.

Makes me realize how important the necessary and routine
cleaning of my soul is day after day.

It gets dirty too.

A Mother's Day Gift to My Children

2008-05-11T22:17:00.003-03:00

I was blessed today to spend the day with my husband, my three children and my son-in-law.

Knowing that our paths are again taking different directions, and we may not be together again as a complete family for several months, I treasure these times and hide them away as memorable events.

Even though it is Mother's Day, a day set apart to honour and respect the mothers in this world, I wish to focus my attention on my children and give them a gift this day.

In so many ways they have been the "teacher" and I the "student". It has been their unique personalities and creative giftings that have shaped my journey as their "mom". They have taught me about unconditional love, they have shown me what perseverance looks like, they have given me joy and sheer delight when I didn't think I could laugh again.

So today, I salute my children for their continued belief in me - their expressions of love towards me when it wasn't deserved, their patience with me in struggling to understand them - their forgiveness extended to me when I embarrassed them in front of their friends, and mostly when I made the wrong call about a situation - I just happened to get it "all wrong".

I am blessed to have them - to know them - to watch them grow and develop and become their own person - and to see that change year after year. I thank them for making me able to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

I thank Sandy particularly for pulling me out on the dance floor the very first time and then discovering I loved to dance! I thank Bill for bursting out of the box to make his own way, when I kept trying to put him in all the time - over time Bill, I finally figured out who you were and let you be that. I thank Jodi for the times she played the piano and ushered me in the "holy of holies" and there I met God in worship.

So many wonderful memories to recall - and they are all because of my children - so today, this Mother's Day, I honour Jodi, Sandy and Billy. It's been a tremendous privilege to be their "mom". They are everything to me and I love them with all my heart.

A Small Prayer

2008-05-10T22:11:00.004-03:00

OPEN my understanding to these newly birthed thoughts

HIDE them in the recesses of my heart

RECALL them when they need to be shared, given away, used to influence

Give me PATIENCE to wait for all this --

Your TIMING is everything, your PROCESS

is DIVINE

Take me and make me new again

2008-05-09T23:42:00.002-03:00

Take my feeble efforts - my weak offerings - my heavy heart,
and make it a worthy gift that honours you.

Take my empty heart, my wounded heart, my lost heart,
and let it pulse again with your renewed strength, love and power.

Take all of me - just as I am - sinful and dying
and bring life.

Bless this little life

2008-05-09T23:29:00.003-03:00

Bless the little life that is being fashioned within my daughter's womb.
Bless the heart that will one day understand love.
Bless the mind that will one day understand who God is.
Bless the hands that will one day be raised to worship him.
Bless the feet that will one day take steps towards righteousness.
Bless the mouth that will one day praise his name.

Breathe, oh God, your divine presence into this little wonder of yours.

The Big God I serve

2008-05-06T10:42:00.002-03:00

Recently, I watched a video entitled "Indescribable". It blew me away! (as they say)

I saw actual photos of one of the thousands of galaxies in our universe; gazed upon millions of tiny dots that represent stars; tried to grasp the enormous size of the sun .... my whole understanding of how big space actually is, how big the God who created it all is, and how small our little planet earth seems in the corporate picture.

I was speechless, moved to tears. I had no "container" with which to hold this new information of the God who loves me. I was overwhelmed and humbled at his majesty, his power, his beauty, his creativity, his size. My "god-view" exploded and expanded that night...all previous notions of how big he was shattered into a million pieces. Something changed inside me about how I now "see" him and I will never be the same.

Then God dropped a "nugget" into my soul which still makes my head dizzy.

"Robyn, my Love matches my size."

Dwell with me

2008-04-02T23:16:00.004-03:00

Lord, in this small part of the big world that you created;
in this small town that I live,
I rejoice and thank you because you live at the same address as me.
Dwell within me and beside me.
Dwell near me and all around me.
Stay long enough to change who I am ... until you smile at the work of your hands.
Let me smile back at you dear Creator.
Make yourself at home in my heart.

Love

2008-03-23T22:48:00.004-03:00

She found me today

and crept into my heart when I wasn't looking

she didn't stay long

only long enough to touch my emotions

then made her way out again

in a tear streaking down my cheek

Resurrection power

2008-03-23T22:10:00.002-03:00

Resurrection power invade this mere frame
launch me into a space and time where I know no limits
transform me from who I was yesterday
never to retrace my steps to that holding place again

Break the grasp of sin that enslaves me
let it master me no more
let me understand like never before that your ways are not mine
but they are better than mine
for you know what is best for me
settle my restlessness with contentment
and thanksgiving for what I already have and know

Resurrection power come and infuse my heart with passion that moves heaven and earth
respond to this aching soul that longs more than ever to be filled with you
completely inhabitited and controlled by you

Psalm 19:14

2008-03-22T21:12:00.001-03:00

"May the words of my mouth, and the
thoughts of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

A prayer for grace

2008-03-22T20:48:00.004-03:00

Give me grace oh Lord
to scoop up the broken shards of a heart
that's been wounded by a friend
and gently fit them together to keep it beating
enough for life to flow through it again.

Give me words shaped to fit the pain to make it love again.

Poems of the heart

2008-03-22T20:28:00.004-03:00

I am overwhelmed by your extravagant love for me
it makes me giggle
it makes me cry
it makes me feel honoured
it makes me feel "why me?"

Why this blessing on my life
when I know of others so near and dear to me
struggling to feel "loved?"

Why me Lord?"
What is it that you intend to do with me?
For me?
Through me?
Beyond me?

I Want To Explode

Sometimes your presence within
makes me want to explode into a million pieces
each one of them burying themselves
into the hearts of those who are hurting
I can't give enough of you away
fast enough
it's more than I can contain
stretch my soul to fit you
but seep through.

Forgive and forget

2008-03-22T20:23:00.002-03:00

I saw an image of myself today
that caused me to shudder

As I peered into your word
I realized how selfish I've been

So I asked you to forgive me
again, and again, and again and again

A poem to grow by

2008-03-22T20:08:00.003-03:00

How can I escape your love for me?
more than ever before, you call me,
capture me,
like the tugging on my sleeve
you beckon me to turn around
to acknowledge your presence.

You cause my heart to be in constant motion
up and down, down and up,
tears and sorrow,
smiles and joy,
all the time I am seeking balance,
a level place
where I can maintain normal.

The journey exhiliarates me
and causes me to grieve
the growing, the pruning,
the growing, the pruning
someday a beautiful flower will bloom
but for today, there's still more that the Gardener wants to prune

My soul has been stretched

2008-03-22T15:43:00.002-03:00

Recently, I was feeling overwhelmed by a personal struggle. It had to do with visiting a place of pain in my past. I didn't go there intentionally, - circumstances just developed that took me there. I experienced guilt and shame and brokenness again as I lingered in this place of desolation. Regrets started to swell up again with my soul.

I believe there will always be areas of our lives, that need to be yielded to God's will, over and over again, ...emotions of the heart, thoughts of the mind, actions of the flesh, that will follow closely behind us like dark shadows tempting us as we press into a deeper walk with the Lord. The enemy will become more skilled at tripping us up. His strategy has to keep evolving, because we are forever changing into the likeness of Christ.

Without the struggle and spiritual wrestling, I cannot discover God's wisdom, grace, or peace. It is in the storms of the sea that I look around and discover that He is with me in the boat.

It is in my complete act of submission to his will for my life that I let go of regrets which have hung around my ankles like weights. The haunting cries that I could have done things differently. The regrets which keep me locked into memories and shame of the past, and keep me from living life to the fullest in the present.

I have moved beyond the stagnant place of regret in my life. I have grown beyond it's grip. I am embracing with whole heart the opportunities that lie before me to give my life entirely to Christ...to allow my soul to be stretched to contain more of his presence within me.

Today, I find myself thanking God for that particular struggle because I know the memory of the past has shown me that I am an overcomer in Christ and I can move beyond what was meant to destroy me. God's grace is forever surrounding me. His mercy is a friend to me.

"My soul has grown because it has been awakened to the goodness and love of God." (Jerry Sittser, "A Grace Disguised")

I carry in my pocket ...

2008-03-19T22:20:00.005-03:00

My children are scattered all over the world at this moment. My son is in Nicaragua, my oldest daughter is in New Zealand, and my second daughter is in Germany.

The "mother" in me is struggling a little with this, although I am delighted they are experiencing new cultures, new people, new adventures. Yet, I can't help but long for the time when they are in this very room with me retelling all the adventures and stories and I can look into their eyes and smile with them, and reach out and hug them and hold them tight.

It may be some time before we are all together again at home in our little town. So I thought of a way in which I can remember them more often, pray for them and have a sense of them "being with me".

Since last week I have carried around in my jeans pocket, three little items which I selected specifically for each one of my children.

They are a skeleton key, a polished gem stone, and a gold apple charm.

When I reach in my pocket and fondle the key, I remember to say a prayer for my son. He is in Nicaragua for a month. The image of a key came to me in three distinct ways last Sunday and I just know that this image is significant to his life while he is down there.

The smooth polished gem stone is for my middle daughter who at the moment has completed her mission trip to Tibet and is now back in Germany for her last two weeks and then will return home. It reminds me of how precious she is to me, a treasure from God.

The gold apple charm represents my oldest daughter. She is the "apple of my eye". She has a heart of gold and clothes herself in kindness and love.

Sometimes my hand just slips into my pocket unknowingly and I touch the key, the stone and the gold charm and immediately, I think of my children and whisper a silent prayer to God to watch over and protect them.

There is nothing in this world that I hold more close to my heart than my children. And these small representations of them, in a strange and wonderful sense, make me feel more close to them. Like I am touching and embracing them.

Oh, how I love them.

Enduring the Hard Times

2008-03-13T21:37:00.005-03:00

"Vocation, temptation, and formation are life-long challenges. We are called not once, but day in and day out, and we will never know precisely where our demons will appear. This lifelong tension between vocation and temptation opens up for us the difficult but promising task of listening to the church, the Book, and our heart, thus discovering the real presence of God's Spirit within and among us."

"We will never be without struggle. But when we persevere with hope, courage, and confidence, we will come to fully realize in our innermost being that through the downward road of Christ we will enter with him into his glory. So let us be grateful for our vocation, resist our temptation, and be ever committed to a life of ongoing formation."

The above passages are from Henri Nouwens' book, The Selfless Way of Christ.

I keep asking God to fix in me what is broken; mend the holes; repair the worn-out. And I believe He will to some extent, but the work will never be finished here on earth but in Heaven, therefore the struggles still remain. Temptations of all sorts will still trip us up; we will hurt the ones we love the most; we will lose ground momentarily until we press forward again.

Is it worth all the struggles?

Yes, I believe it is.

Through the tough and lonely times we have the option to grow. We can choose to be changed and transformed by our circumstances or allow them to weigh us down in despair. Each victory over temptation equips us to conquer the next. Each heartache can bring us closer to a comforting God who understands the pain and weeps with us.

The formation that happens to us can be amazing if we allow it.

Another Early Morning

2008-03-09T07:33:00.003-03:00

I awoke early this morning experiencing a moment of anxiety with regards to my middle daughter who is away on a mission experience and soon to travel home. These moments bring me out of a deep sleep and I am startled as I come to my senses. I immediately felt the need to get up and spend some time in prayer.

I wish I could say that these early morning events were precipitated by a deep passion to draw closer to my God, and sometimes they really are, but other times they are mostly an awareness of my great need for him to continue to do his work in me, and for his strength to carry me through some difficult and anxious times.

It seems the closer I walk with him, the more he reveals to me what I still need to surrender to him. And it is this tremendous need that keeps the pursuit of him, alive and fervent.

As I began to walk downstairs, I suddenly stopped at the top step because I thought I heard a noise from the living room. Within moments I sensed fear and didn't continue down. I stood there in the pitch black and imagined someone in the house. Now, just so you understand where all of this fear comes from, it is indeed somewhat legitimate. Paul and I have had in the past few years since we have lived here, "unannounced guests" who have made their way either up to our attic or to catch a snooze on our livingroom couch.( This has something to do with friends of our son.) So I was unsure for the moment whether to continue down the steps or go back to my warm bed.

Well, I headed back to my warm bed, snuggled under the arms of my husband and sheepishly told him I thought I heard something and became fearful and couldn't go downstairs. Then I said to him that my "good" intentions were short lived and I succumbed to a silly notion of fear. Feeling somewhat humiliated, I asked him if God was disappointed in me for my lack of discipline and he wisely said, "Robyn, that is not the kind of God you serve, nor the kind of God who loves you."

I laid there in that warm, safe place with him, and began to pour my heart out to my God. Within seconds tears were streaming down my face as I experienced once again, God's amazing love for me. I acknowledged his love for me by repeating over and over "I receive your love for me, I receive your love for me, oh Lord".

As his love entered my heart, my fear and sense of inadequacy disappeared and I threw back the covers and headed downstairs to spend some quiet time with Him. I made myself some coffee, grabbed my laptop, turned on the propane fireplace and snuggled up with a blanket in the corner chair. His perfect love had cast out fear.

If I have discovered any secret at all to living my Christian life, it is that God's love, when appropriated and received deep down in my heart, fully believing he loves me, changes and transforms me. Nothing else has had such dramatic results for me.

A pastor friend of mine has often said, "you cannot grow until you know how much God loves you." So I am becoming more and more aware of his limitless compassion for me and it is indeed changing me.

My Search for Compassion

2008-03-08T22:08:00.005-04:00

It's been such a long time since I last blogged and it's not because there hasn't been changes going on in my life. There is still a growing passion to know my Lord in a deeper way. I've just been hesitant in putting it into print, out there on the world wide web for the few who visit my blog to see.

But I've felt the "nudge" to get at it again, so I will hopefully be more faithful in my posts.

I'm seeking to know more about compassion. So I am reading a book from my favourite author, Henri Nouwen entitled "Compassion" and have recently finished another by him entitled " The Way of the Heart", which I absolutely loved.

I must confess that when I read a book, I am a compulsive highlighter and underliner and a reckless reader that "dog-ears" pages that I want to find easily again. I have a friend that considers this an absolute torture to a beautifully perfect piece of print. For me, I want to be able to find the phrases and words that so powerfully spoke to me and so my books really become like friends to me - I use them well, in the good sense of the word. (Pity the poor person who asks to borrow them to read!! They may be shocked at my abuse and creative license with "highlighters and pen".)

Here is a quote that I love.

"Compassion is the fruit of solitude and the basis of all ministry. The purification and transformation that take place in solitude manifest themselves in compassion. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken."

And another ...

"Compassion can never coexist with judgment because judgment creates the distance, the distinction, which prevents us from really being with the other. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human."

My study so far, leads me to believe it is not an easy gift to acquire and perhaps more difficult to live out once one receives it. But oh so important to long for if we really want to embrace and comfort our hurting fellow humans.

And I wonder why at times it is so easy for me to "love" some, and yet very difficult to "love" others. Over the years, and more than once, I can recall asking God specifically to give me a measure of love for an individual that I just knew in my heart I struggled in loving. He was faithful to my requests and indeed, filled me with "His" love.

So as I continue my reading and studying, I will share further insights in hopes that whoever reads my blog may find that my times of reflection and contemplation are encouraging and comforting as they journey along the path to discovering who this God is that calls them forth to serve and know him.

A movement towards grace

2008-01-06T18:03:00.000-04:00

Often times when we feel insecure or we've been wounded, our natural tendency is to recoil, retreat, put up our arms to protect ourselves and then hide away until we feel it's safe to venture out again.

As natural an impulse as this is, I believe that as Christians, we are to actually take a step closer - move towards the pain - seek to reconcile and forgive. Seek to embrace a new way to relate to the individual, finding a new way to love them.

Sometimes in our vulnerable and weak state we have more grace than we are aware of. This grace can be offered to the one who has hurt us and this simple act of humility can prevent walls from going up and separating us from our Christian brothers and sisters.

Where to find Peace

2008-01-06T17:43:00.000-04:00

Here is another passage from Henri J. M. Nouwen's Book, "Finding My Way Home, from the chapter The Path of Peace.

"Where is his peace to be found? The answer is surprising but it is clear. In weakness. Few people are telling us this truth, but there is peace to be found in our own weakness, in those places of our hearts where we feel most broken, most insecure, most in agony, most afraid. Why there? Because in our weakness our familiar ways of controlling and manipulating our world are being stripped away and we are forced to let go from doing much, thinking much, and relying on our self-sufficiency. Right there where we are most vulnerable, the peace that is not of this world is mysteriously hidden."

"Peace is a gift of God, often hidden from the wise and the wealthy, and revealed to those who feel empty, inarticulate, and poor."

An Africa Meditation

2008-01-06T17:36:00.000-04:00

When I was in Africa I read several books that were life giving to me. One such book was a devotional by Henri J. M. Nouwen, "Finding My Way Home". It so moved me and challenged me in my spiritual journey. Following is one of several passages that was of particular benefit to me.

"In this world when you are chosen, you know that somebody else is not chosen. When you are the best, you know that somebody is not the best. When you win and receive a prize, you know there is somebody who lost. But this is not so in the heart of God. If you are chosen in the heart of God, you have eyes to see the chosenness of others. If the love of God blesses you, you have eyes to see the blessedness of others."

My prayer Lord is that my eyes may catch a glimpse of how you see others, how you look beyond the exterior, the personality, the facades, to the very heart of the individual. You see the pain and you see the promise. Help me to see like you.

My New Years Thoughts

2008-01-06T17:26:00.000-04:00

I love the beginning of a new year. I love starting fresh with new projects, goals, and dreams.

This year my new years aspirations have to do with developing relationships, passionate relationships.

The first desire of my heart is to "fall deeply" in love with my Saviour, pursuing a relationship with my Creator and Friend that will change me and make me more like him.

Secondly, I desire to fall more in love with my husband, my best friend. To discover more ways about him that make me love him in a new way.

And thirdly, I want to love myself more. There is healing for me when I love who God made me to be and accept his "design" for me. It is in loving myself that I can love others more purely and sincerely.

Loneliness

2007-12-21T23:01:00.001-04:00

I just finished talking with my daughter Sandy who is in Germany now on a missions trip. She's quite homesick and lonely. Mainly because it's Christmas time and she's not with the family to celebrate.

We usually have a fun time being together and this is the first time that she is so far away and unable to be with us.

It's hard for us too.

The "mom" in me would love to go and rescue her and bring her back her for the 5 or 6 days that she is off and then she could go back again to the mission base. Some of the other team members are doing that.

But I can't always be running to "rescue" her. And she knows that. She's just having a lonely moment.

Loneliness is a painful ailment. We were created for fellowship and companionship and to belong to a "body" that is made up of many members.

When we are not with those we love the most and hold dear, there is an ache within our heart. There are so many lonely people in this world. I happen to know some of them and the pain they describe to me is crippling.

I can't solve their problems either. Loneliness can happen for many reasons. Some our own doing, some that happen because of circumstance. Whatever the situation, or cause, those of us who are for the moment strong, need to rally around and embrace them with arms of compassion.

I will be praying that my daughter may find strength in the Lord this holiday season and friendship in the company of other Christian brothers and sisters who will be sensitive to her needs.

Live to Dream - Dream to Live

2007-12-20T03:07:00.000-04:00

I love the season of life that I am now in. I can hardly believe how it's changing me. I feel a surge of energy and vitality that I haven't felt in a long time.

This season of "empty nest" is wonderful!

It took about a year and a half for me to figure out what I should do, what I could do, and who I am, or who I wanted to be.

What I love about it so much is the change of responsibility. For such a long time my focus and energy was solely concentrated on my children and my home. As the kids grew older, the responsibility for their primary care, got less and less. Now of course, there are other concerns about them, but the day to day care is not there.

So I am free to develop other interests in my life, increase my understanding of my faith and reach out to build relationships and minister to those God brings along my path.

I love the spontaneity of deciding at the wee hours of the night to be completely irresponsible and sit by the fire cuddled up with my husband, listening to our favourite CD and drinking coffee. We have the freedom to do this every once in awhile . Or the casual drive in the car on a summer day and we end up in the city to watch a movie and decide to stay overnight.

It's moments like these that make life amazing. It's the ability to keep the dream alive, to live life to the fullest with the person you love the most.

I find that I must fight for these moments and embrace them when the time is there or they are lost to the many and urgent demands of just living. The magic and joy of the moment can be stolen from us and before long we survive and cope without even realizing they are missing. We get used to the "hum drum" of living.

There is so much more that we need to dream about, to believe in. Things can be better, there can be a difference in our situations. There can be an "inbreaking" that only God can manoevre and deliver.

The memories we create at this stage in our lives will carry us through the years ahead when tough times come and we forget who we are.

Years ago I came across this quote that lived on my fridge for a very long time - "To love someone, is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they've forgotten."

We need to remind each other who they are, where they've come from, what they've accomplished, and the dreams they once had.

The dreams we have today, have no expiry date - they can keep evolving, changing, growing, but they must never die.

Live to dream - dream to live.

Christmas - A time for Giving

2007-12-20T02:21:00.000-04:00

There is something wonderful that happens when we give. It's a smile that comes across our face and a warm feeling deep inside because we've done something nice for someone. Often times it's a sacrificial act given when we ourselves are in pain.

I had an experience last week when I was struggling over the concerns of my grandchildren inheriting my husbands visual impairment. Since one of our daughters is trying to have children of her own, the reality that this condition may be passed on is very real. We are starting the process of seeking out further opinions and genetic counseling.

At one point in particular, I grieved in my spirit for the lives of my grandchildren yet unborn that could have poor sight. I know all too well the pain associated in having a child with a disability and also the struggles that my husband faces because of his lack of vision.

In the midst of all of this, I heard about a close friend that was struggling with some severe physical issues and for some reason, I felt that I should go and minister to this person even though I was hurting myself.

What I realized is that in setting aside my pain, putting it on the back shelf, I was more open to give every part of me and share in my friends pain. The coming along side meant that I wept with her, held her, prayed with her, hugged her and wept some more.

I was in a vulnerable position but was willing to lay this before the Lord and ask Him for a gift of ministry for my friend. He came through and the time together was rich and healing.

In times of complete emptiness and pain, God chooses to demonstrate his great work through us, if we are willing to allow him to do so. I can't help but believe that we then receive grace to carry on with our own struggles.

During the summer God spoke to me about extravagant giving, extravagant loving. It's an attitude of the heart that I continually want to develop more and more in my Christian walk.

At what cost will we continue to keep giving? Keep loving? I believe that love goes all the way - beyond "normal", - "over-the-top". It should be a sacrificial offering of our "best", given in the most humble way. And we need to ignore the "second guessing" of our intentions, that will only get us into trouble and paralyze us next time we feel inclined to give.

It is in giving that miracles happen. It is in giving that lives find new hope and courage to carry on. It is in giving that we invest in lives that will change the future. It is in giving that Christ smiles upon us. It is in giving, that we receive.

Freely we have received, freely we must give.

Let this Christmas be a time that you give out of the abundance of your heart, your life, your possessions.

Anxiety, fear, insecurity, obedience

2007-12-16T06:28:00.000-04:00

Lord, I'm off centre.

Somehow in the last few days, I've slipped and fallen down. My disciplines around certain things have completely vanished, my heart is anxious and fearful and I'm feeling insecure.

How did this happen?

It usually has to do with an improper balance between my physical and emotional world. Either pushing too hard physically at something or not getting enough rest. Often it's an attack from the enemy. Other times it's a burden that I feel I need to carry and own. It could have something to do with the pressures around this busy season of Christmas too. I've let things go too late and now I'm panicking. It's probably all of these in one big package.

But I know that it has something to do with my children.

I am particulary burdened for them all lately. The "clucky hen" in me wishes they were all here with me now, close, safe, where I can see them, feel them, know that they are ok. But one is in Nova Scotia, another in a city a few hours away, probably travelling home before a big storm comes, and another in Germany, about to set off in two weeks for a mission experience.

There is anxiety and concern in my heart for all of them. For their futures, for them, for their families. When I'm in this state, my "normal" gets shifted. I'm distracted for awhile, my focus is not sharp. Sometimes it's just a complete lack of trust in You. There are things happening that I can't control and I'm blindsided. I can't seem to find you in the fog.

Help me Lord to get back on track. Help me to extend my hand in the dark night hoping I will touch yours - hoping that you will find me first and pull me back to a level place where my footing is secure again and my steps are certain.

Reach down and put your hand under my chin and raise my head so I once again can see your face. Come close and let our eyes meet. I need you to tell me how much you love me by the look in your eyes.

This morning, (again another early morning that You have pulled me out of bed), I hear you telling me to be vulnerable and share my heart in this blog. Ok. But I know tomorrow I will want to delete the whole thing. Obedience. Maybe that's the key to getting back on track. Pulling myself out of this temporary mudbath. Obedience.

Courage to Dream

2007-11-28T13:46:00.000-04:00

I awoke this morning with a sense of your presence nearer to me than usual.

I asked you to help me walk out the dream you have for me.

More than that, I asked You to give me dreams, and expand my mind with possibilities that are limitless.

Help me Lord to be satisfied and content with the present moment, understanding that there is much I need to learn at this point in time, yet reaching and dreaming for it to be different. Let me take small steps of risk that require faith and complete trust in you.

Make me passionate about knowing you in a deeper and more intimate way. Inform my mind, inflame my heart.

Make more space in my heart to receive your love for me and help me to fully understand what it means to be loved by you.

Give me more insight to know how to fight back the voices within me that want to silence the dream you have for me, the voices that remind me that I am not qualified.

Let me find my own voice and give volume to it.

Surround me with friends that will encourage and strengthen me. Friends that I can trust with my dreams. Friends that will graciously move me forward.

On the days when I am weak and feel the whole world is crushing in on me and I can't even raise my eyes to look in your face, be my glory and the "lifter of my head".

Let my dreams keep me pursuing you.

"Sleepless in St. Stephen"

2007-11-23T07:01:00.000-04:00

I wasn't able to sleep much last night. This often happens to me, and more regularly of late. Mid-life, menopause, anxiety, too much caffiene, who knows. So in my restless moments, I try to take advantage of the hours and begin praying for my friends.

God gave me some pictures right away and then over time, it became more clear and I believe more accurate. At one point in the wee hours I was able to say, "yes, Lord, this is your heart for my friends...this is what you would have me share with them".

Then after dozing off for what seemed to be a short space of time, (how can one measure time and sleep - you can sleep for hours and feel like it's minutes or sleep for minutes and feel like it's been hours) God shared a beautiful picture with me about our relationship. I nudged my husband and told him I had to get up and blog, to get it written down.

He decided to get up with me, put on some coffee and join me on the second floor landing of our home to watch the sun come up. Our view is even more awesome now since we tore down the dilapitated house of ours next door.

I am discovering a relationship with my Lord in such a new and different way. My paradigm is changing on how I see and know God and how he relates to me. Let me share it with you.

I have discovered him as a friend.

In the picture he put in my thoughts, I am walking down the road beside my Lord. His arm is in mine. We are comfortable. Obviously, enjoying each others company. He turns to me and in a quizzical look, says to me, "Robyn, why are you carrying that heavy basket of items?" I respond, shrugging my shoulders and like a teenager who never seems to know why they are doing anything, say to him, "I don't know...I just want to, I guess."

He offers to take some of my load. He grabs "jealously", "lust", "unforgiveness", and "shame". The load is somewhat lighter and I notice that he doesn't even comment on what is in my basket. This is amazing to me. I want to almost remind him of what I was carrying. Did he not see how sinful the items were that I had? Was he not embarrassed by these things? I at least, expected some chastisement or correction, but it never happened.

We continue walking again for a bit, and then he stops all of a sudden - so naturally, I stop too. Now, I thought, I will get his rebuke. ( Why is this our pattern of default thinking? ) He looks at me again, and shakes his head and says, "Robyn, you are still carrying too much-it's weighing you down for our walk together. Here, give me some more."

So I do. This time I hand over to him, "anger", "hate", "fear", "self-pity". I'm again, embarrassed by what I'm carrying and for how long they've been in my basket. Then all of a sudden, like a good friend would do...he reaches over to me and says, "here, let me just take it all from you, then you will have no burdens at all".

(On a side note ...the sun just burst through the darkness and is a blaze of fire sending shock waves across the shadows of the night. Its' light is streaming out like arms of an octupus giving definition to trees and landscapes and buildings. It's glorious! Another new day to live and laugh and love and experience the new mercies of God. Wow!)

As the basket leaves my arms and settles into his, I feel lighter than I've ever felt before. The strain of the load I was carrying all these years had taken its' toll on me and I bore the injuries and scars of its' burdens. But life and strength was returning to my wounded parts. Energy was flowing through me. And being free, I was now able to use my arms to reach down and pull flowers towards me to smell their life giving fragrance. I could extend my arms in waves of motion and embrace the heat of the sun.

I could hardly believe my friend did this all for me. What good friend would not help the other? And do it without commentary on what that person was carrying? Why have I not trusted him as a friend before?...because... I never saw him as my friend before.

His friendship is such that he would lay down his life for me - and he did just that. Why do I think he cannot handle my sins? Is it pride that keeps me from sharing them with him? After all, he knows my thoughts before I even know them. He is not afraid of what I am carrying and frankly, I don't think he even cares. He just wants to get them out of my hands, take them over, relieve me of the burden, set me free, give me life, partner with me and do it all over again if I manage (and I will) to carry them again!

This concept of Christ as my friend,- my Saviour as my dearest friend, changes how I commune with him. It's much more relational, casual, honest and real. I'm not afraid to tell him anything. My life is laid bare before him. He knows everything there is to know about me. No secrets.

I've been blessed to have good friends and I love them dearly. I would sacrifice and give my life for them, because they mean so much to me. They deposit gifts, treasures and life within me. They call me forth when I want to stay in my safe place too long. And, it's all done in such a gentle and caring way.

Why would I expect anything less from my heavenly father as my friend?

I encourage you to imagine Christ as your dearest and most loving and intimate friend. Explore this new relationship with him and embrace new ways of journeying with him.

My Parents

2007-11-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

I just returned home from a visit with my parents who live several hours away.

The visit was good. I was reminded again of God's hand upon my life in giving me the parents he did.

I grew up in a home that practised Christianity. My parents did the very best they could to teach us godly ways and instruct us in the way of Christ. For that I am forever grateful.

There were very few arguments between my parents. As children we enjoyed a "happy home", a stable home.

My father was the breadwinner of the family, very traditional, and my mother was a hairdresser until the day she delivered twins of which I am one. Her hands were full after that, especially because she had two other children before us, and then she had two more after us. One big happy family!

My dad was a hard worker all his life and my mother also and alot of value was placed on the virtue of "working hard".

Our friends growing up were our cousins who lived just a few houses away. We'd spend many days playing all sorts of outdoor games and during the winter, the pond would freeze over and we would ice skate. I learned to skate on that pond pushing a chair in front of me.

As a child, I was always drawing pictures of horses and someday dreamed about having a horse of my own. One day, dad surprised me and gave me a pony! I could hardly believe my dream had come true!

Dad would hitch "Lady" to a small buggy and take us for rides up and down the road. Other times we would ride her bareback. But sad to say, over time, this wonderful pony became ordinary and easily forgotten.

I can remember the large family picnics we would have and the worry and bother my mother would go to make sure there was enough food for everyone. All in all, it was a great time as we headed for the beaches of the St. Lawrence River to spend the whole day and early evening in the sun, swimming and visiting with relatives.

My father bought a snowmobile one year and for several years after, we enjoyed the cold outdoors as we drove all over the countryside. He bought a huge sled to pull behind the ski-doo and I can remember going out on evening rides, all bundled up in the cold crisp air.

My mom and dad love to look at new houses. Even this past weekend, we drove around to new subdivisions near where they live and commented on all the new homes being built. We all had our opinion on what looked good and what didn't.

I get my gift for interior design from my mom. She always had the house looking comfortable and "homey". She has an eye for "nice things".

Generousity came easy to my parents. They both gave generously to their children, church and community.

My dad loves to tease. He gives waitresses a hard time at restaurants with his teasing - all in good fun. He has a great sense of humour.

I have wonderful memories as a child of going in to kiss my mom good night and smelling the perfume she had just put on before going to bed. My mom always presented herself beautifully and her makeup and perfume were a part of that.

This past weekend, I was privileged again to hear my dad read his bible before he went to sleep and see him kneel down and pray for his children and family - a memory that will always remain with me.

In some ways, I am like my dad and in other ways, I am very similar to my mom. I love the parts of me that are like them.

My parents have given me essential building blocks to build a foundation centered on the Lord Jesus Christ, for my marriage and for my family. I have a godly heritage. What I do with what has been entrusted to me is up to me. Where I go, who I become, is all because of their influence and guidance on my life growing up.

My prayer and hope is that I can pass on to my children this desire to serve God in whatever way he has created each of them and that they would seek his counsel, guidance and will for their lives.

And I will petition my heavenly father on their behalf as they seek to do this.

Look beyond

2007-11-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

I look out the windows on the second floor landing in my home and I can see clearly, the first street across the river which just so happens to be in another country because I live in a border town.

The view wasn't always so clear and so vast. The reason for the change is that we made the decision to tear down the dilapitated house on the property next to us that we purchased two years ago.

My husband and I imagined the view without the house there many times but we never really expected the clear site line across the river to the first street and beyond.

We never imagined the feeling of spaciousness as we look out across our lot which draws your eye beyond the horizon. Even the two large trees which before were on the edge of the one property are now centered in the bigger lot.

From the third floor, the attic room, you can see above the house tops and view the winding river. At nighttime the view is even more beautiful because the street and house lights are now visible.

It has made me think how much our perspective changes when something that is blocking our vision is removed or taken away. Its hard to imagine what might be on the "other side" or "behind" it.

Too often we become satisfied to just leave things the way they are and settle for "limited sight". Our world becomes small, restricted by what we allow to grow up around us, or by walls built up over time to protect us from being vulnerable or hurt.

It takes courage to change. It takes hope to imagine life being different. It takes faith to believe that it's worth reaching for, worth the risk, worth the struggle.

My husband and I have discussions on why we waited so long ... we could have enjoyed the beautiful scenery long ago.

I encourage you to imagine life beyond whatever may be holding you back from experiencing the fullness of God's presence. And I encourage you to take the steps to remove it, slowly if need be, but fervently.

You will be amazed at the vista before your eyes.

pic

2007-11-03T23:48:00.000-03:00

My return from Africa

2007-10-29T13:48:00.000-03:00

I have safely returned to Canada after being in 4 different African countries in the last 3 weeks.

So much of what I have felt, experienced, and touched will at some time be written in this blog, but it may be awhile in order for it to sift through my thought processes and find words to fit the emotions.

As I push through the jet lag weariness I am still humbled at the measure of grace bestowed to me throughout the entire trip. My God, my friend, my protector, my teacher, has never left my side. He can't leave me, ever, I'm the one that moves away.

Our friendship and journeying together has deepened. We've had many good chats, heart to hearts, tears and moments of intense pain that are secrets we will have until eternity.

I am becoming more and more comfortable and honest with my companion. After all, he created me, knows my thoughts even before I do and still loves me - there is nothing I can hide from him, nothing he doesn't know already, so I can relax and confidently ask him to help me through each and every situation.

I am no longer immobilized by guilt. I am breaking through its grip on me. I am pushing back insecurities and self-doubt and reaching out for his purposes and plan for me.

In time I will be able to share glimpses of this revelation.

For now, it will need to settle, take root and then bring forth fruit.

My Loved Ones

2007-10-03T18:30:00.000-03:00

My husband came home yesterday after being in England two weeks with a dear friend who lead a worship conference.

We sat in the dining room across the table from each other while my oldest daughter Jodi was playing the piano softly in the background.

As often happens when she plays, I am suddenly ushered into this place that my soul remembers. A place of connecting with the spirit residing in me and I am moved emotionally.

She is not aware of this. My husband is not aware of this. He is visually impaired and can't see the tears slowly slip out from my eyes. I look at him and listen carefully, asking questions to keep the conversation going. Still he has no idea I am crying.

There are times I do not want him to know and I cry silently, hiding any other signs that may give my emotional state away.

Then there are times I want him to know, like tonight. So I reach across the table, take his hand and bring his finger to the wet mark on my cheek and he realizes then what's going on.

Other times, I will take the tear from my cheek and touch his lips with it so he can taste my emotions.

Tonight, it was important for me to let him know how I felt. I missed him when he was away. And I was glad he was home. I wanted him to know that.

My husband Paul, is like bookends for me which hold and support me and everything I do. He is my best friend, my lover, my greatest supporter, my provider while I live on this earth. He encourages me to step out and try new things and helps me when I feel I've made the wrong decision.

He is there through every emotional upset I go through...and there have been many. And he never complains...he knows this is just who I am.

He is the father to my three amazing children and I love to see the ways they are simliar in personality to him as they grow older. Each of them has a unique piece of his identity which has already in some ways, determined a path they may choose.

He is the one of the few people I know who has an amazing friendship with God. They enjoy each others company. Laugh together, cry together.

My husband loves to pray.

About 20 years ago, I made him a prayer gown out of heavy polar fleece with a hood to keep his head warm. So many nights, he would put it on and turn the lights off in the living room after the kids had gone to bed and walk back and forth across the floor praying about something on his heart.

When Bill was very young he would go fetch his father's prayer gown and curl up in it on the couch and go off to sleep. We would often place it over him when he was ill. It has become and will always be, a garment with so much meaning and attachment to the children.

Paul often times would tell Bill that he was "his son in whom he was well pleased". Bill grew up knowing he had a blessing from his dad. And he would speak into the girls lives in ways that specifically spoke life into them also.

I'm fondly remembering the "good times" we have had. The difficult times were there too, but somehow, we managed to survive them, grow in understanding from them and focused on the positive.

When I said goodbye to my daughter Sandy at the airport the other day in Halifax, God gave me a gift. He is so gracious to me and knows just what I need to trust Him.

I stepped back from rushing in to "rescue" Sandy and look after her and what I saw was Jodi rising to the occasion, caring for every last detail and preparation to go off to Germany. Jodi is actually the one who encouraged her to venture on this YWAM mission. And then I noticed Bill coming along side her, running at the last minute to get something she forgot, seeing to it that she was all set to go. And I just watched and marveled at God's provision for Sandy.

God seemed to be saying to me that my time of caring for her is really over in a lot of ways. Jodi and Bill are there to make sure she will be ok and she will connect with new friends in Germany that will in their own way, care for her.

I needed to see this. It's all part of God calling me out for himself. He has been telling me to put down the gardening gloves, set the dust cloth aside and come sit at His feet and learn from Him.

"I want you Robyn. I want you to extend your influence beyond your family, into the community and into the world.Come on an adventure with me. Take my hand and I will show you things that will break your heart, enlarge your heart and increase your faith. There is much I wish to show you. Trust me. And in the same way I care for Sandy, I will care for Paul. Trust me."

How can I refuse such an invitation? He, after all, has created this desire within me to follow Him. It only seems natural that I would wholeheartedly respond.

This journey for a short time, means leaving behind those I love and care about the most and going it "on my own". A hard thing to do for someone like me.

But I know it will change me and deepen my relationship with God. It's time to follow Him.

I'm ready to follow Him.

The Risk in Being Real

2007-10-03T13:16:00.000-03:00

I sometimes struggle as to what I should write in my blog.

There's a certain risk and vulnerability in sharing your heart publicly. Often times, the feelings and emotions pass and I wonder why I shared what I did.

Then there is the pressure of accountability. Once you bear your soul and it's desires, someone can hold you to what you've said you'd like to do or be. Perhaps thats not so bad after all, a part of growth it seems.

However, as I am open to being transformed bit by bit by God's gentle way with me, I am less judgemental on myself. Too often I have said something or done something only to be sabotaged by own thoughts passing harsh criticism on me.

How silly it seems that the most wounding comes from within our selves.

God never meant us to be like that. His plan for us was to reflect His image and His glory.

I am gaining ground on this battlefield and changing my thought patterns and walking away from second guessing everything I do. I never win at that game. It's destructive and sinful. What I am experiencing instead, is freedom, real freedom to be who God created me to be.

I'm all through with wishing I were "this" or "that" . I will seek to improve myself in every area I possibly can, but there are some things that are "just me" and I've come to terms with "me".

Saying all of that, I still have my moments when I slip into puddles of insecurity and self-condemnation, but rather than stay there and become stagnant, I choose to pull myself out, to keep on keeping on.

There is a call on my life as there is for every creature on the face of this earth and more than ever I want to live out this call passionately.

This includes becoming a better wife to my husband. Learning to know him better, seeking to understand him more, caring and loving him more deeply. As good as it is (and it's pretty good!) I believe it can get better and richer and that's what I want to be passionate about.

I also want to be passionate about investing in others.

The image that comes to my mind is that of a child on a tricycle unable to manoevre the pedals to move forward. Just a gentle shove from behind is all that is needed to give enough momentum for them to take off and then look at them go! Sometimes, they are not even aware that anyone has pushed them, they really believe they've done it themselves. I would love to be the one that pushes people forward.

Perhaps I am being naive about what it takes to become this child of God. I am probably not aware of the cost, the risk, the sacrifice, not only for me, but my close loved ones. But I may never have this window of opportunity again and with all my heart I want to serve my Lord.

My prayer is that I may be fit for the task, worthy of the calling, a vessel of honour, an image bearer of His glory. A child of His that brings Him delight.

Lord, let it be so.

My Journey

2007-09-21T22:16:00.000-03:00

I'm on a journey which I believe will last for a very long time, perhaps the rest of my life. It's called "growth".

It will take me to places I've never been before. There will be people that I will meet for the first time ever that will influence me in ways that may change my life. There will be experiences that will shape my opinions, thoughts about life and what I do next.

This journey is mainly spiritual, although I am actually journeying to countries that I have never visited before and I am looking forward to this experience.

Part of this journey involves God gently calling me out of my safe place. It's where I usually hide when I feel insecure. It's a place where people won't notice if I make a mistake, say the wrong thing, do the "stupid" thing!

I don't very often seek the spotlight. I rather prefer to be in places where I am somewhat unnoticed. Again, a comfortable place to hide. God actually lives in this safe place with me. He is just asking me to "relocate" - to find a "bigger" place that we can live in together. I'm ok with that.

I feel this invitation to join His hand and go on an adventure with Him. And He knows just how to call me out of course - He knows what I will respond to, because He created me and it will be different from the way He calls others.

I think God wants others to see my heart, to see the giftings he has placed within me. A bit frightening sometimes and yet freeing at other times.

A quite confidence comes from being vulnerable. I'm more willing to trust that He has an eternal purpose in all of this. This is growth for me.

This fall will be a huge transition for me and my family. I am going to Mozambique in less than two weeks, my husband is presently in England with a great friend at a worship conference, and my daughter is leaving next weekend for a YWAM course for six months in Germany.

Besides all of that, I am studying at St. Stephen's University this semester, taking two courses in the ministry program.

Also, I am on this intense weight loss and work out program, mainly to be in good physical shape when I go to Mozambique.

In every area of my life I am being stretched.

Spiritually, I am coming into more freedom in Christ and at the same time, He is calling me to trust Him in a way I've never had to before. Physically, I am disciplining the body beyond its comfort, mentally I am trying to study again after 32 years out of school and emotionally, I am saying goodbye to my daughter Sandy, which may be hardest thing of all.

I am reminded of a white water rafting trip I took this summer with my family and a few other friends. My friend and I were hurled out of the raft in class five rapids, at the most dangerous part of the entire trip. This came immediately after I agreed to staying in the raft with the team (despite my fears).

The rapids swirled around me and submerged me several times. I tried as hard as I could to swim across them to the shore. At one point I realized I was not going to be able to make it to shore because the force of the river was pushing me down stream faster than I could swim across the rapids. I was in a crisis.

Fear did at one point consume me and I hollered out for help. As I turned my head, I realized another raft had anchored themselves in the middle of the river to rescue me as I was recklessly being pushed downstream.

Those in the second raft grabbed me and hauled me over the side of their raft. I was breathless for several moments my heart was pounding so fast. Surprisingly, there was no emotion on my part (probably because I was in shock!).

Obviously, I survived, my friend survived and I probably will never do white water rafting again, even though that was the second time I have gone.

But the picture has come back to my mind many times and I believe God will use it to speak to me about this journey I am on. There will be times that I will feel I am barely keeping my head above the water, my heart is racing and my strength is gone, yet I will be ok....God is there positioning himself in the midst of the crisis and has his arms outstretched ready to receive me and save me. I know that for sure.

He is my strength and my deliverer. My God in whom I trust.

My shoes are laced up, my bags are packed. I'm on my way travelling with an amazing companion and friend. He has much to teach me.

I'll let you know how the journey is going. I am sure I will never be the same!

I LOVE THIS SEASON!

2007-09-05T22:58:00.000-03:00

We are heading into my favourite season of the year - fall.

It excites me so much when I step outside and the crisp air brushes against my face - I think of it as God "kissing" me!

My husband Paul would often remind me that God made the windly fall days especially for me, out of His love for me. I love movement in nature, the branches of trees bending in the wind and the whirlwind of leaves rustling around my feet.

I love the smells of the this season too. There is a "woodsy" smell as the leaves and small branches begin to decay and disappear under foot. And the smell of wood burning in stoves as we walk past our neighbours home makes me wish for a few moments we heated our home that way again.

When I check the temperature every morning and notice that it's starting to get in the lower numbers, I actually get excited because it means "sweater season" is almost here. I love to wear sweaters, cardigans, hoodies, anything warm and cozy. The "bundling up" of extra clothing gives me a sense of being hugged.

Sitting beside a warm fire with a hot cup of coffee and reading a book or visiting with a friend, are some of my favourite things that I enjoy most.

The most obvious reason I love this season is because of the splendor of colour that bursts forth mid October covering the countryside like a patchwork quilt of random hues of oranges, reds and yellows. The last explosion of life before the cold takes the leaves away. God's design for beauty is evident everywhere I look.

I have wonderful memories of this season too.All three of my children were born in the fall, my birthday is in the fall and I was married in mid November.

The routine of the fall is something I also enjoy. When we lived in Halifax in the southend of the city, we were close to the universities and the first of of September there would be a "buzz" happening as the students desended on the campus grounds, ready to begin a new year of study.

The fervour of activity and "starting" of something new excites me. I become energized and spontaneous and take on a multitude of tasks.

The "nesting" is what I love about the fall. It's all about creating and preparing that safe place inside where friends and family can gather and be warmed and loved. The season creates intimacy in a way - a gathering together to be close, a form of community within our homes.

Welcome this fall with a sense of awe and wonder and celebrate the gift of relationship with those you love and care for.

Letting Go

2007-09-04T22:19:00.000-03:00

Today I sat with a woman that I had never met before and within a few minutes she let me hear her heart speak.

She shared with me the difficulty in saying goodbye to her youngest daughter who was staying in the community to attend university. As her deepfelt emotions exposed themselves by tears falling down her cheeks, I felt moved within my own heart.

I have gone through a similar experience with all three of my children, saying good-bye to them as they go off to university, head out west to a land of great opportunity or to head to New Zealand to attend a YWAM mission team.

Nothing quite prepares you for those moments. As a mom, and strong nurturing type, the apron strings were tied tightly to my kids. After so many years of caring and watching out for them, how could I ever live my life not having them around?

Yet it's an essential part of growing up for them and for those of us as parents too.

It's like watching them cross the street by themselves and choose not to use the crosswalk, but dart in and out of cars speeding by to make it to the other side. For a few years, kids really do think they are invincible.

The sadness I felt from my new friend was like precious ointment being spilled out. It spoke of the extravagent love a mother and daughter had for each other. The tears seemed to spill out of a reservoir very deep within.

There were obvious hurts and pain in the past. This "departing" seemed to be so painful.

It made me think of good friends that move away from each other.

Someone new would have to come along and try to fill the gap. How does a mom "fill the gap"? I don't know.

All I could do is reassure this mom that I would look out for her daughter, keep an eye on her, like she would herself. That promise seemed to stop the tears momentarily.

I find myself in a similar place this month as I say goodbye to my middle child, my second daughter, who is heading off to YWAM in Germany for six months. She will be gone over Christmas which will be very difficult for us all.

We have never been apart from each other for that length of time before. The longest was 2 months. I know that I have pushed the event deep down in my subconscious in order not to deal with it until the time comes. But I am fearful of saying goodbye to her.

I'm afraid of the pain that I will feel. It will be intense. It will render me emotionally bankrupt for several days. I will have trouble sleeping at nights and my mind will be conjuring up scenarios that will never happen.

I will forget the God of my youth, the One I trusted in so solidly. I may in fact react with anger towards Him for "taking her away". My thoughts will be scattered and inaccurate. I will find no solace in scripture. My husbands consoling words will mean nothing when he speaks them.

Yet, in time, I will yield to the patient bidding of his spirit and will trust in Him again. I will believe the words He spoke to me in the wee hours of the morning as I was coming out of a deep sleep, "she is MINE, and I WILL CARE FOR HER".

The message was clear as a bell, there was no denying that God had spoken clearly to me. So I will trust this God whom I've committed my life to and I will believe that He will protect and care for her.

How could I ever hold her back from experiencing all God has for her? She has chosen a path that will deepen and strengthen her walk with the Lord.

Letting go is life giving.

Unique identities

2007-09-02T18:26:00.000-03:00

Each of us has a unique signature of the soul. A fingerprint identity like no one else on earth.

Sadly though, we try so hard to be like someone other than who God created and fashioned us to be.

There is peace when we "settle" into our specific element and do the thing God has called us to do. It is ever evolving, changing, growing, and alive. It need not suffer from the criticisms of others or the intimidation of our thoughts.

Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to believe in us, challenge us or move us.

Our impossible expectatons come from within, not from God. They are born out of insecurity. When we can fully grasp his love for us, we become secure, difficult to offend, less quick to react in defense of our position.

The pace he expects us to move at is far slower than we would ever set to "get things done, to change". There are lessons we need to learn along the way that will develop our character and challenge our belief in God.

Confidence comes when we have courage to take the first step, and then it comes faster each step after that. We begin to believe in ourselves and that what we do does in fact matter. It is significant.

As I have reached the middle years of my life, I am more aware of time passing by. If I intend to be effective and influential in any way at all, I must be more intentional about doing the "thing" God has called me to do. Realizing that could be many different things, I still desire to push ahead, feeling my way around, while at the same time, asking God for confirmation.

It may not be anything "big" or "monumental". It may in fact be making myself more available to others who are hurting, extending my ear, listening with the heart. It may be that I walk into more relationships with an attitude of "giving" more than I think I have to give.

Perhaps it's pursuing my design giftings in a more deliberate way to my community. Whatever it is that God dreams that I would do, I am on my way.

Imagine God dreaming about us!

No Excuses

2007-08-24T11:17:00.000-03:00

During a long drive home from a city about 5 hours away, I was feeling quite exhausted and noticed myself getting a bit impatient with my husband. I can tell when my "emotional bank" has been depleted and I'm running on "empty".

The night before had not been restful for me. My mind was racing ahead to events scheduled to happen in the next month and I was overwhelmed by what needed to be accomplished. Plenty of reasons to justify my actions.

But I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit among the clamour of my thoughts. "There are no excuses to respond in an unloving way."

I thought of toddlers who are irritable when they are tired. They get out of control. They do not have the maturity to control their physical responses. They are without boundaries.

Even in the most exhausting of situations we must respond with grace and love. We cannot tear people apart and put them down just because WE are tired.

It might be the most difficult task of all. To reach deep down inside for that last remaining bit of mercy and then extend it toward our fellow brother or sister. This is what God expects us to do. Being tired and exhausted, having a bad day - these are not excuses. We must be accountable for every word we say , every deliberate and hurtful action.

More than ever, during these "low times", our words need to be encouraging and inspiring. We must fight for the "good" within us. Our thoughts must be more focused on those around us than ourselves.

A Parent's Blessing

2007-08-23T22:16:00.000-03:00

I am at a wonderful stage of life. My children are all in their 20's, independent and charting their own course.

The parenting is over. The suggestion of advice is sometimes welcome, sometimes not, which is perfectly fine. Decisions are made that you find out about later. This is all good. All natural. All the way it should be.

The relationship of parent and child shifts and if you're lucky, you enter a relationship with them as adults and even friends.

What I have come to realize recently is how different a person I am when I am with my kids. Particularly, when I am with my girls on an "outing".

I "morph" into this carefree, hilarious person that few people see. The walls come down, the motherly role is forgotten. We laugh at each other, but they mostly laugh at me - the silly things I do, the silly things I say! I laugh at Me! We are like three best friends having the time of our lives.

My kids keep me young. Sandy was the first one to pull me out on the dance floor several years ago and I'm glad she did. We had so much fun dancing. I experienced a joy with her that I will forever remember.

We've checked out the makeup counters, hit the clothing sales, tried on dozens of shoes (it's a female thing!) shared nachos and sometimes, we've caught the latest "chick flick." But mostly, we've shopped.

I become a less serious person and forget the rules for a short time. I've connected with their friends who remind me what goes on inside the heads of 18-20 year olds. It's good to be reminded. It makes me less judgmental - I was 18 once.

Our conversation can span the entire globe. It can be ridiculous - particularly when we complain about the few pounds we've gained; how we look in this piece of clothing -"does this make me look fat?" or should I get my hair coloured (again...Sandy??!!) Or we can find ourselves in tears because we've had a TM (tender moment... I'm the one with the record for the most TM's) and our hearts become connected.

There are times when I've been able to tell them what God is doing in my life, where He seems to be leading me, how He has spoken to me lately and I know they are moved by what I'm sharing.

There is absolutely nothing else in this world that brings me as much joy and deep happiness, than to hear my kids tell me over and over again that they love me. And, they always do. My son will end the conversation by telling me he loves me. It means so much to me.

This relationship is rich that I have with my children. I am truly blessed. I am satisfied. I am content. I am full. I am so grateful to God .

Love moves me to Serve

2007-08-16T07:14:00.000-03:00

I awoke early this morning and heard God encourage me to get up out of bed and spend some time with Him. Gladly, I can say, I responded to the call this morning. Most mornings I just roll over and try to get some extra sleep before the day begins. (I am not a morning person).

So I snuck downstairs as quietly as I could and put some coffee on. I brought a cup up to my husband, woke him with a kiss on the forehead and began my day with him.

What I am learning lately is that the more we love, the more we are called to serve. The more denying of ourselves, prefering one another, and caring for their needs before our own, is in fact, the life we are called to.

It is usually easier for mothers to do this because of our nurturing instinct. Our whole focus is on the care and training of our children. Seeking their good, before our own.

At this stage of empty nest in my life, my primary care and serving goes to my husband. Then to my family spread across the country and then to my friends and community.

What I have yet to learn is to serve under difficult circumstances. I'm sure the trip I am taking to Africa this fall will teach me that.

Psalm 139

2007-08-16T02:25:00.000-03:00

This is one of my favourite psalms.

It helps me to realize that there are no secret thoughts that God does not already know and somehow, this gives me a sense of security and well-being.

If He knows every thought and nothing is hidden from Him, then I have no choice but to believe that He still loves me. He is quite well aware of the "intentions of the heart".

I am learning to relax and say, "Lord, you know everything I am thinking and everything I will think in the next moment and I trust you to help me to honour you in all I do. So Lord, reveal to me what is offensive and grant me the strength and wisdom to know how to change and give you control of every aspect of my life."

"Together, we will work on it."

2 Cups of Coffee

2007-08-16T01:31:00.000-03:00

For those of you who happen to look at the time that I am writing this post, yes, it is 1:31 am.

I was at a friends house for a party earlier tonight and had two cups of coffee, knowing full well that it would keep me up for a good part of the night. (I made my husband have one too so we would be up together...but alas, he has fallen asleep and my second cup is still working on me, so I thought I would make good use of the time and post a blog entry.)

I am heading off to Mozambique, Africa, this October for two weeks on a mission trip to visit and help out in the orphanages established there. It seems to be the next best step for me on this journey of knowing God better.

My only other mission experience was a two month short term trip to Mexico when I was 22 years old - a year before I was married.

Interestingly enough, I just now recalled it being a time when I wrote long letters to family and friends back home and journaled alot about my spiritual experiences there.

I expect God will stretch me in many ways while I am there. The physical journey to even set foot on African soil, will be exhausting and trying to say the least. Let alone the living and eating conditions when we arrive.

The comforts and luxuries of home that I have become so accustomed to and enjoy, will be absent from me for two weeks.

I will miss my warm showers, the idea of being clean and the daily routine of making myself presentable.

Instead, I may find myself appalled at the stench of body odour, food cooking over an open fire and probably other new smells that I didn't even know existed.

But there is so much I'm looking forward to with great expectation.

I know I will be moved by the intensity of worship among people who are wholeheartedly submitted to him, sincerely loving and praising His name.

I know I will see beauty and dispair in the faces of the children who are orphaned and living with so many others in impoverished conditions.

I wonder if I will be able to contain the overwhelming emotions when I come to terms with how much I have, how thankful I should be and how little they have and how thankful and grateful they are for even that.

I know I will be humbled. I know my heart will break many times. I know this experience will have a long lasting effect on the rest of my life.

I know I will be challenged to trust the One in whom I believe more than I've ever trusted Him before.

Unspoken Messages of Love

2007-08-12T19:41:00.000-03:00

Our family has a secret "gesture" which we use from time to time when words cannot be spoken, which means "I love you".

I can't remember how it started, but we've been doing it for years now. It's so special and endearing to us all, that when we give the signal, we smile not only with our lips, but our eyes too.

Because two of our family members are visually impaired, we don't use the gesture at a great distance. Instead, we do it when we are actually very near to each other, which gives it a more intimate and close feel.

I love language that is not spoken with words (although I do love affirmation of love with words too), but there is something so beautifully spoken in the silence of words and in the expression of our physical bodies.

A smile that sneaks across our face, or a tear that finds its way out, marking it's path down our cheeks. A hand that reaches out to grasp another. An arm that seeks to hold someone tight. A nod that acknowledges one's presence.

We have been fearfully and wonderfully designed by a loving Creator. I love to sit in His silence and without any words spoken from Him, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is telling me He loves me.

Rain on me, Lord

2007-08-08T16:24:00.000-03:00

I love the rain. Especially a warm rain.

My oldest daughter Jodi also loves the rain. When she was little, she used to put her raincoat on and go and play and splash in it. I used to tell the kids that the rain was God's way of washing the world and giving the earth a drink, like he had a huge shower hose up in heaven and turned it on.

Wash me Lord. Rain on me with loving kindness and mercy. Cleanse my soul. Purify my thoughts. Cause me to drink from your well that never runs dry. Let your glory be my garment.

Rain on me Lord.